Shit Climbers Say from Louder Than 11 on Vimeo.

coexist, bitches!

]]> http://pimpinandcrimpin.com/2009/12/27/the-holiday-spirit/feed/ 0 http://pimpinandcrimpin.com/2009/12/17/want-to-climb-harder-five-tips-youve-never-heard-before/ http://pimpinandcrimpin.com/2009/12/17/want-to-climb-harder-five-tips-youve-never-heard-before/#comments Thu, 17 Dec 2009 20:00:59 +0000 limit http://pimpinandcrimpin.com/?p=2396 1. Stop Washing The Dishes Climbers seem to spend more time fussing over the condition of their skin than a conspiracy theorist researching the melting temperature of structural steel. We all know that prolonged exposure to water makes you skin prune and get softer than a 12 year olds dick. I mean, do you really think that the skin in FIGURE 1 is going to be crimping very much? NO. Climbers know this, yet this keep washing their dishes. It's like they want something to bitch about at the crag. QUIT WASHING YOUR DISHES. Seriously. Unless you like crying like a little bitch on your project. And while your at it, quit washing your hands. Swine flu be damned! ]]> Sometimes you just can’t send. It doesn’t matter how much you tweak your beta, how hard you try, how often you try, or long you rest. No matter what you do, it just never happens. It is times like these that try climbers souls. In those trying times, try some or all of these hints. They will make you send. I promise.

1. Stop Washing The Dishes

FIGURE 1

Climbers seem to spend more time fussing over the condition of their skin than a conspiracy theorist researching the melting temperature of  structural steel. We all know that prolonged exposure to water makes you skin prune and get softer than a 12 year olds dick. I mean, do you really think that the skin in FIGURE 1 is going to be crimping very much? NO. Climbers know this, yet this keep washing their dishes. It’s like they want something to bitch about at the crag. QUIT WASHING YOUR DISHES. Seriously. Unless you like crying like a little bitch on your project. And while your at it, quit washing your hands. Swine flu be damned!

2. Make someone else flake your rope

Redpointing hard routes is kind of a paradox. It’s only possible if you’re an extremely fit well honed baddass with a firm grip on your psyche–like Bruce Lee. On the other hand, you have to spend a lot of time doing really ghey, unmanly things like filing microscopic burrs off your fingertips  and walking around with your hands in the air shaking them to make the lactic acid drain faster between burns. Making some else flake your rope falls in the second category. This trick is especially important if your rope is already hanging on a route that has tons of rope drag. Despite what your climbing partners will try to convince you, pulling and flaking that rope is NOT an effective way to warm up. All that unnecessary effort is just an effect way to NOT SEND.

3. Cut Your hair

A lot easier than starving yourself for 10 days on the master cleanse, cutting off  your long hair can shave POUNDS instantly and effortlessly. This tip is especially germane if you’re a dreaded trustafarian  hippy with a colony of miniature reptilians taking root in that greasy crinite nest you call hair.

4. The Pre-Climb Ritual

Eat three Skittles. Swish mouth with water. Close eyes and sing JayZ’s Lucifer to yourself. Put your harness on. Tie in. Put you kneepads on. Put you shoes on. Make five LOUD breathing sounds. Sun Salutation. Sip of Kombucha. Take everything off and go pee. Rinse. Repeat. SEND.

Do this religiously and your chi will be channeled (somewhere), your arms will drain lactic acid faster than you ever though possible, and you will NEVER forget beta.

5. Deny Sexual Gratification

I saw this in a boxing movie. According to Hollywood, if you haven’t orgasmed in the last two weeks, you will try much, much harder. I agree with this. I also have the best 8a scorecard at pimpinandcrimpin. You can guess what that means.

The crew here would like to pay some respect to ice climbers. We went ice climbing. Well Bronco and Limit went ice climbing. I walked around like an idiot with 6 jackets on and my snowboarding pants and sneakers freezing my ass off while a spectacle of mini-epic proportions unfolded before my eyes.

As you all may have guessed, Team P and C has a special aversion to the cold. We like it comfortable. Sticky rock, climbing in t-shirts and belaying in jackets. That’s ideal right there. We like placing gear and clipping bolts. We don’t do the soloing thing too much, and run outs are alright on the right terrain. Anyway. Ice climbing doesn’t seem to have any of this which is ESPECIALLY troublesome for a bunch of bumblikins like us.

Here’s a list of things that happened yesterday:

1. We bumblefucked our way up the snowy hill trying to find a way to get to the top rope anchors but as the newbies we were got scared and couldn’t get to them.

2. A red-bearded fellow started his solo mission up the tiny falls we wanted to climb (which is terrifying to watch by the way…)

3. We spent at least an hour just banging the ice tools into the ice from the ground

4. We spent another hour just screwing, unscrewing and testing ice screws from the ground.

5. During the red-bearded fellows descent we throw our rope up to him and ask if he’ll put it into the anchor for us.

6. Red-bearded fellow takes off his crampons…(what?!)

7. Red-bearded fellow slips at the top and slides down a long rock ramp from the top falls another 10-15 feet, lands on his ass in the only spot not full of jagged icy death rocks with bewildered look on his face.

8. I resolve to never ice climb ever.

Oh you know them when you see them. And if you don’t know the ways to identify them there is a really good chance you ARE the bumbler.

1. Janglies

I don’t know how else to describe these things. They’ve always got them. It’s like little pieces of flair they attach to their harnesses and or backpacks. None of it is useful too. Like they’ll take an extra locking biner up a sport route, or their grigri. Or they decorate their school bags with carabiners and Nalgenes. Carabiners are not accessories! I know because I have one as a keychain. Instead of Occam’s razor I’m going to start calling it Sharma’s razor. Cut out everything that isn’t totally necessary e.g. get rid of the daisy chain thong. Really.

2. Deathwish

Why do you insist on standing underneath others while they are bouldering? Why do you insist on walking around in the gym oblivious to those climbing above you? Why do you walk around with that blank look on your face that really reveals what a lost cause implementing common sense will be?

3. Beta spray

Have you ever noticed how the beta being shouted at you is usually coming from the most unqualified giver? I know they (me) just shout it because they’re so damn excited to see someone climbing anything, but really do we have to hear it? It’s not even helpful. Unless of course you’re shouting bad beta because you want them to fall. Then it’s an entirely new category. These people are called haters. And they are very very small people (again… me).

4. Umbro shorts

I don’t know how or when this trend started. It once was cool to climb in little tiny shorts. We saw people like John Long wearing these things in old pictures. John Long can do it both because he had big balls and because half the time he wasn’t wearing a harness that framed said balls into a nice little package. Unless you’re applying for CCGOTW please put on something more substantial so when you’re inevitably hanging from the red-taped problem at the gym we don’t have to suffer your poor wardrobe selection.

5. Finds partners on Mountain project/rockclimbing.com

Why. On. Earth. For real. I don’t trust many of my friends to take me up “the edge.” So be wary when you see a request for partners that looks like this: “Hey, in town for a couple days. Have rack and rope. Looking for partners Lead up to 5.10 and follow 5.14b. Trad experience but would love a tour. Psyched to meet in the parking lot or the first time ever, entrust my life to you for a day mr. total stranger, and head out for a few pitches.”

Stay far far away.

6. Crack climbing in the gym

Ever met someone who was just a little too psyched to get “jamming milage” in the gym? Don’t get me wrong I think crack skills are fully a wonderful thing to possess but I’m not certain the gym is the place to obtain them… I’m especially not sure if you really need to be taping up to do it.

Next is the Adventure Film Festival happening around these parts again. From Novermber 12-14 there is a lot happening. What? You don’t believe me? There’s too much going on for me to even post in this post. You need to go here and check it out because it will no doubt be worth whatever it takes to get to these events. More to come on this, but for now it’s time for me to go drink some WHISKEY. And I promise tomorrow there will be some awesome new content for you.

Here’s a little gallery to show off some of Jer’s work. Really go check him out if you haven’t.

1. Rifle

What you need: Orange stocking cap, white shirt, sense of humor, blue markers

Description: Oh my gosh we get the joke and at a climbing party you better hope they do too. Bonus if they don’t though. You’re still a bottle of Elmer’s

2. Verve girl

What you need: 1 Verve Lorelli bra, 1 pair Verve Magico shorts,  overconfidence

Description: Like I said up there, Halloween is a time when girls can wear whatever they want and walk around in public without the scorn and ridicule of all the judging eyes. Actually that’s not true. The sexy nurse, Dracula, Frankenstein will still get judged, but for some reason it’s okay. Anyway. Buy the pieces. Wear them out in a non-climbing situation where all functionality goes straight out the window. Have every male who’s ever seen a rock hit on you. Just remember to make your own drinks as to avoid that Rohypnol stuff.

3. A Climbing Gym

What you need: Some climbing holds, a way to attach them to your body, perverted creativity

Description: This is simple. Get some climbing holds, attach them to your body, get girls/guys to touch you. It’s kinda like being the Twister board. Instead of people saying “Right hand Red!” and either grabbing or pretending to grab your boobs/dick. They’ll be saying “I’m climbing the yellow route!” and actually grabbing a hold shaped like your boobs/dick.

4. Warren Harding

What you need: An attitude, a bottle of wine, some climbing gear

Description: Warren Harding is an icon. If you don’t know who he is then Wikipedia that fool because he’s rad (oh and make sure and Wiki the climber not the president). You just need some ratty clothes, a bottle of wine and a weathered-ass face that says “You wanna drink with me, but there’s no way you’d trusts me with a box of kittens.”

5. Royal Robbins

What you need: Glasses, Royal Robbins clothing, a “Warren Harding”

Description: Sure you can go and try to make a historical look out of this one but I mean he has a whole brand of clothing with his name on it. I say just buy some of that. Then if you’re lucky enough to have a Warren Harding you can both get drunk and bicker about bolts and purity for the rest of the night. This will be good because it’s doubtful anyone at the parties you went to will know who the fuck you are anyway.

6. Alpinetard

What you need: Janglies (that metal stuff climbers carry around), double ropes, Copy of Freedom of the Hills, debilitating social anxiety, sense that you’re better than everyone else

Description: To pull off this costume requires commitment because as we all know that’s what it takes to be a real alpine climber. You have to commit when you think the going gets tough. You suck it up and push for the summit. The summit in this case is to make everyone feel awkward. Start by wearing your alpine suit of tech gear, put a bunch of stuff in your back pack and start wandering around the party breathing heavily. At some point get some ice cubes and melt them for water with a small stove. No matter what when people talk to you or ask you what you are your only response should be “pure.” Even later set up your “tent” and have a restless sleep full of nightmares that make you awkward to hear from outside. Classic the whole way.

7. Cliff Hanger

What you need: Muscles, “Bolt gun”, John Lithgow

Description: Really any Sly character is going to make a good outfit but this one is brilliant! Tank top check, harness check, random looking gun that shoots bolts out of it! MUTHAFUCKIN CHECK!

8. Pro Hoes

What you need: Pro climber, 2+ Verve girls

Description: I’m still not even sure if these even exist yet in our sport like they do in skateboarding or snowboarding. I don’t think they do but they should. All you need is one guy to dress up like his favorite pro climber and get a bunch of girls to put on some revealing outfits and hang all over you all night. It’s like climbing version of dressing as a pimp for Halloween. But like the lady above make sure you get the “pro” to sign your body multiple times throughout the night instead of “chokin’ a bitch.”

9. Huberbaum

What you need: Jeans, Leather pants, overflowing amounts of radness

Description: You’ve seen these two around. They’re brothers, they’re German, they destroy things.  Find a partner, squeeze into those tight pants an let the drinks bring you deeper into a terrible German accent.

10. Stormtrooper

What you need: The outfit

Description: No He doesn’t climb but come on. That’s the coolest costume on the planet.

Limit came back from Rifle this year and explained to me that the new buzz word for the season in that steep canyon was “fitness.”  While we poked fun at how there always seems to be a little word that infiltrates the minds and hearts of the Rifle faithful each season, it donned on me that “fitness” is where it’s at.  Whether you’re a route climber, alpinista, boulderer, etc. we can all use a little more “fitness” to accomplish our goals.  Enter Movement gym, whose motto happens to be “climbing+fitness.”

This plastic Eden finally landed in Boulder, CO during the summer months this year when most climbers were tending their outdoor projects.  To the chagrin of some, the long awaited facility busted on the scene with weekend of FREE climbing, BBQ, and other Grand Opening activities.

“Another Gym in Boulder?”  The naysayers were out there, I heard’em, however, I seem to see those same people tied in to the steep Voyager wall that now looms over the main section of Movement.  Let’s just say this, once you see the place, you will more than likely wanna slip those climbing booties on and get after some good ole plastic pullin.

Let’s check off the top five reasons that YOU should be climbing at Movement:

1.  Peer Pressure.  Let’s be honest, it’s new, it’s hip, you’ll be a cool kid if you set foot in the place.

2.  Energy.  The psych from this vault of awesomeness is literally oozing from the walls.  Fact:  if you’re psyched you will climb better.

3.  Modernity.  Exercise equipment has cable television built in!  This may even get me on the treadmill.

4.  Routesetters.  I mean a gym can only be as good as its setters right?  I don’t care how many buckets of nifty little plastic holds you have or how steep your walls are, its gotta be bolted down with some experience and creativity.  Well, Movement has the setting situation on lockdown!  Don’t you even worry bout it, just go and climb that shizzy!

5.  Greenieness.  I small bird told me that Movement is the most environmentally friendly building in Boulder!  Say What?  Another bird, or maybe the same one also told me that their energy bill for last month was $19!

6.  Affordable memberships.  Memberships include cycling classes, yoga classes, state of the art Techno Fitness Equipment,  and yes, of course, climbing.

7.  Website.  Scope the site here.  Up-to-date information on the haps of the gym, great gallery, and climber profiles.  Track your route progress via the Redpoint section of the site.

8.  Towels.  I love fresh towels, go ahead, ask for one at the desk you’ll get it!

Okay, so I went beyond my 5 points, but that should let you know how sick this place is.  Prediciton:  after a winter of boulderites climbing in this gym the website known as 8a.nu will explode, which in turn, will make the universe explode.

There’s more to “training” than just screwing around in the gym, which is usually what I do.  If you really want to get serious about things, then check the variety of programs, teams, classes and one-on-one private instruction by the professional and psyched coaches and trainers at Movement.  You want it, They have it.

Here’s the details on Rates, Directions and the like…By clicking you are agreeing to go to Movement and work on that Fitness…CLICK NOW!

Here’s some official photos that should have you salivating to become a strong gym rat.  Thanks to wadedavid.com for sending these our way.