Oh you know them when you see them. And if you don’t know the ways to identify them there is a really good chance you ARE the bumbler.

1. Janglies

I don’t know how else to describe these things. They’ve always got them. It’s like little pieces of flair they attach to their harnesses and or backpacks. None of it is useful too. Like they’ll take an extra locking biner up a sport route, or their grigri. Or they decorate their school bags with carabiners and Nalgenes. Carabiners are not accessories! I know because I have one as a keychain. Instead of Occam’s razor I’m going to start calling it Sharma’s razor. Cut out everything that isn’t totally necessary e.g. get rid of the daisy chain thong. Really.

2. Deathwish

Why do you insist on standing underneath others while they are bouldering? Why do you insist on walking around in the gym oblivious to those climbing above you? Why do you walk around with that blank look on your face that really reveals what a lost cause implementing common sense will be?

3. Beta spray

Have you ever noticed how the beta being shouted at you is usually coming from the most unqualified giver? I know they (me) just shout it because they’re so damn excited to see someone climbing anything, but really do we have to hear it? It’s not even helpful. Unless of course you’re shouting bad beta because you want them to fall. Then it’s an entirely new category. These people are called haters. And they are very very small people (again… me).

4. Umbro shorts

I don’t know how or when this trend started. It once was cool to climb in little tiny shorts. We saw people like John Long wearing these things in old pictures. John Long can do it both because he had big balls and because half the time he wasn’t wearing a harness that framed said balls into a nice little package. Unless you’re applying for CCGOTW please put on something more substantial so when you’re inevitably hanging from the red-taped problem at the gym we don’t have to suffer your poor wardrobe selection.

5. Finds partners on Mountain project/rockclimbing.com

Why. On. Earth. For real. I don’t trust many of my friends to take me up “the edge.” So be wary when you see a request for partners that looks like this: “Hey, in town for a couple days. Have rack and rope. Looking for partners Lead up to 5.10 and follow 5.14b. Trad experience but would love a tour. Psyched to meet in the parking lot or the first time ever, entrust my life to you for a day mr. total stranger, and head out for a few pitches.”

Stay far far away.

6. Crack climbing in the gym

Ever met someone who was just a little too psyched to get “jamming milage” in the gym? Don’t get me wrong I think crack skills are fully a wonderful thing to possess but I’m not certain the gym is the place to obtain them… I’m especially not sure if you really need to be taping up to do it.