ANYWAY. I’m downing whiskey to Spring which seems like it’s FINALLY here, after an April filled not with showers but huge snowstorms. In fact, I think it snowed like four times as much in April here in Colorado than the whole rest of the year.

To climbing in shorts, approaching in flip flops.

To barbeque’s and beers on the patio.

To girls in skirts (and guys with no shirts)

To green grass and flowers, and those damned robins. And scantily clad women serving beer.

Raise your glasses to NOT fucking freezing to death anymore!

Also, bikini wearing rifle holding govenors!

Step 1: Preparation

Guys: You’re gonna want to drive. Not for any other reason but to show you have enough money to pay for gas. This is why I can’t get dates. I can’t pay for gas (or food, or… anything). Also buy a lot of snack foods. You have to paint yourself as a picture of preparedness. On the same token, do not bring a mirror/waterproofmatches/whistle/compass emergency kit combo to a place like Rifle in attempt to look safe and prepared. You’ll just look like an idiot.

Girls: No matter how dilapidated his car might be when he picks you up just grunt and bear it. Remember, he’s doing this for you, so be open to broken down overheating, leaking oil, no air conditioner/heater adventure. It shows you’re easy going. If you can’t belay, don’t let him take you on a rope climbing trip. PLEASE. Go bouldering so he’s not sweating bullets 60 feet off the deck while you short rope, euro slack and load the Grigri backwards. We kick the shit out of our guy friends for that kind of thing don’t make us.

Step 2: Location, Location, Location

Guys: It’s wise to pick a place you’ve been before and even better to pick a place where you have every route wired into complete submission. There are multiple reasons for this. 1. You don’t want to get lost with your new date you’re trying to impress. 2. You don’t want to get shut down on every route you try with your new date your trying to impress. 3. This trip isn’t about about climbing homie, it’s about impressing that new date that you’re trying to…impress. You gotta look hot. I mean look at that raven haired man to the left.  Bonus points if you can find a crag she’ll certainly want to project at so you can lock in that coveted second date…

Girls: He’s going to take you to a place he’s been before in attempts to impress you. Do not let him impress you. Onsight everything on the wall if you can and make him clean each route. He owes you that for driving you to his shitty outside gym wall in his shitty car with his shitty snack foods and shitty gear. If you wear something hot without a doubt there will be a higher chance of him doing things like this for you. If he seems weary shed a shirt or a tank top until he accepts and tends to your every need.

Step 3: The Approach

Guys: Now fellas, if you were smart you would have picked a fairly remote cliff so you can enjoy a wonderful little jaunt into the wilderness. Also you want a remote cliff so you don’t get embarrassed by all the other hard climbers who will undoubtedly be there showing you up and stealing your woman. On the hike, make sure to walk slow enough that you can talk comfortably. Be sure to discuss anything but climbing. I promise she’s not impressed with the 12′s you’ve climbed. She won’t even be impressed by the 13′s you may have climbed. The wisest thing to do is ask questions. Lots of questions. You know that part in 40 year-old Virgin where Seth Rogan tells Steve Carell to only ask questions? Remember how well that worked? Go For it.

Girls: Bring one of these. Make him carry you up the hill to the rocks. blahblahlfdska;fdnsakfd afdksajfkdjsaklf dsakjfdslakjfds aklfjdsklajf dsdjsakfjdksaj  fdjkasljflkdsaj fdsa lkjfds alkj kfl dlasj lkaj lkdj fdjas lkjla kjfld jsalk lkakjd jfdkaj ldja lkfdjs alkjfd laskj ldfkj aljf dlsakj fldkj lfkdja lkjalk jkdj fld kjs aklj lkaj dlkjf dslakj lkajdlkj fdljsa lkj lakj dl jfdlkjjlkd saljkf dsajlk fdsalj fdlaj lak sdf jlkfds alkjfdsal kj fldkjsalkjl ksdjlkfj ldsjalkj aslkjfdlsk ajasdlkjfdddkdkdjfkd;akjfd;jakjdas kfjdlakjdf a fdjklajfdklaj fdlsak fdjalk fdsalk fdska jlkjkfda jkd fkdjfk lkdj dlkj dlkjlskj sldkdjf dlkj

Step 4: The Warm Up

Guys: I told you to pick a crag you had everything wired at. So go ahead and hang the draws on the 13a/b that you did 6 months ago, but try not to dog. That’s not impressive. Make sure to include a joke about how you’re getting beLAYed on your first date. jdslakfjdlsajlkfjdlskajlkfdjslakjlksjdlkfj dlkasj lskjda flkjdsalkj fdslakjlksdjlk fdjsaklj d jfdkjd kdjksaj kja kjd askj ka jlskdj flkdjsa lja lk sdjjl fdjsa lkjas dklj j fdlsaj lkjas dljf dlsja ljasl dkjf dslja kjfdl salkjlskaksdj fjdksa lkjda lkjsd fj fdlsakjlak jdlkj fdjs a fjdklsaj fldksaj lfdja lkdjlkakjd kdlj flkj dlkj dlkjfdl kdjf lkdj fdlj lskj slkd fjldkj slj fdlj lskj ldjf dlkj lksj dlfj lksj dlkj fdlkj dlkfj ldkj fdlskj slkjd flkj sdlj fdslj sldkfj lkj sdlkj slj lskjdf lkjs lfj kjsd fljslkfjds lfj sd

Girls: He’s going to dog up something harder than he can actually climb. When he makes a nervous joke about beLAYing on the first date to fill space while he’s hanging on bolts make sure to make his next fall a long one… jf d adjs aljfd aslkj lkjd fljd kljs lkjslkdj fl fdlksja lakjsd klfj dldjsl ajl ksajdfl kdjsa lkfdlsakj alskdjl kfjd lksajl asdjlkf dlskaj lakjsdl fjdsa jaslkd fkldljas lksjalksd jdsa ljaslkd jfldksja lkasjd lfjsjlalskdjf dlskaj llakjsdl jfds lajlkfjds laljdslaj fldj sal jfdslakj dlsajl lakslkdj flsdajl ksjdfl aslj lsalkj sdaflkj dsalj fdlskaj fdsafj dslakj fldjsa lkfdjsal kjfdslka lkjfkdsj alkfdjs aljfd slakjf dlsakj fldksja ljdskal fdlja fdlkaj fdlsak jfdslaj fdslaj fdslakj fdslakj fdslaj fdslakj fdsalk fdsaljf dsalkjfds alkfjd salk fdsaj

Step 5: The Rest of the Climbing Day

Boys: By now it’s probably obvious how badass of a climber you are, how witty you are, and how prepared and caring you are. During one of your food breaks make mention of how you could “totally murder a crunchy nut brown microbrew brah” and how you’ll even buy her an Appletini for post climbing drinks. Everyone knows women don’t like beer right? Especially good beer brah that’s meant for men.  fdjlsak jfdlksaj lkj alsjd lfkjds alkj lfdkjsa lkjdlsajlk jsdlkj slakj lieai nfdlisalij fdlsai j lifdj saljfd salkja sdlj fdlsaj lias djlfj dsaj fdlkjsa fjdlska jfldksaj fldkjsa lfkdjsa lkfjdsa lkfjdsal jfdslakj fdlskja fldksja lfkdjsal kfdsaj fdlskaj fldksja l

Girls: At some point in the day he’ll want to take you out for after-climbing drinkathon. Take him up on it certainly if just for the free drinks, but be sure to text some of your bigger, harder-climbing boy friends to come hang out just to a) piss off your date b) intimidate him c) watch him squirm. At least try to get some entertainment out of your dismal drunk date. Best case is he becomes too obsessed with how much harder your friends climb and starts ignoring you to talk to them about their projies.  fdljsal kjfdslakj lsakjd lfjd lsakj lfkdjsa ljfdlsa jlksjdl kjfld skjalkj alsjdl fkjdlsaf djsakl fdjslak jfdlskaj fldksja lfdsa

Step 6: The Aftermath

Guys: Went pretty well huh? She had fun. She must have had loads of it because she’s going for drinks with you. Oh wait, why did she invite those guys? Well whatever you’re still buying the drinks that’s got to count for something right? Don’t forget to try to lock down another date with her. Hopefully you found  a crag that cliff that she would want to go back to. She onsighted everything? Tough luck kid. You are now required to do what every man in your situation is supposed to do, and ask her out again. Never Say Die! fjd slkaj fldkjsal kjsdlkj fldjsa lkjfdl sakjlkfjd slakjlfdkjsal kjlaskdj lkfjd slaj lfdkjsal jfld

Girls: Went pretty well huh? He was miserable because you managed to shred every last bit of pride he let burst from his puffed up chest. Good for you. When he asks you out again, your first instinct is going to be a quick “no thanks,” but I would encourage you to go again. Next time you pick the crag, the food, and drive, but make him pay again for everything. I promise he will. Just a whiff of climbing girls will send any testosterone grunt master into a fit of joy. You’re required to do what every woman in your situation is supposed to do, take advantage of our complete lack of awareness and exploit us to the bitter end.

Who knows maybe eventually we’ll wise up and do something right, besides he was kinda cute when you, for your own amusement, made him flake the rope four times in a row because you were “scared of coreshots.”

Click through… it’s worth it. There is a boys page and a girls.

She's a killa.

Name: Kira Morris
Age: 21
Location: Galveston/Dallas

Aside from climbing what else do you that involves being outside?
I’m on the UNT triathalon team, so I do a lot of biking, running and swimming plus I surf and lifeguard on the beach.
Have you had the chance to save some lame asses that can’t swim?
All the time. I’ve had people fake drowning so that I would go out there in my red bikini.
That’s what I do. Has it ever worked?
Not really, I normally just get annoyed when anyone makes me get out of the lifeguard tower, plus the guys that do it are normally 12- 15 years old…
Why do you live in TEXAS?
It’s the greatest state in the nation, duh.
Typical
No, but seriously we used to move around a lot for my dad’s job, and I fell in love with the beach and lack of winter.

yup.

If you had to pick one dessert to eat for the rest of your life what would it be?
A super thick mint chocolate chip shake.
Who’s on first?
What? No, he’s on second.
What’s the secret to winning a girls heart?
Having skills. Lots and lots of skills like knitting and nunchucks.
That’s it?
Haha, I guess they also have to be funny and intelligent, and be willing to sit through at least one cheesy romantic comedy during one of the first couple dates.
This is good. Anything else?
Hmm, I dunno. I guess?
You and I clearly have different standards. Take this for instance: #12 Must be able to take shot of whiskey.
Ok ok, so we are talking standards like that. I’m using politically correct generic standards
these are my standards: 1# Has to be taller than I am. 2# Can’t listen to talk radio in my presence. 3# Can’t own a dog that you can pick up easily with one hand. 4# Does not pop their collar. #5 Does not refer to all women as “baby gurl.” #6 Drinks something other than solely Coors Light. #7 Can properly pronounce “sommelier.” #8 Has no photos on Facebook or Myspace of them being involved in a three or four way kiss.
Do you think it’d be weird if I guy got calf implants?
Yes. Very.
Deal Breaker?
Probably.
Where’s one place you’ve never been climbing that you’d really like to go?

red helmet. awesome.

Colorado.
If you had $1000 and had to spend it today what would you buy?
A new tooth.
A new tooth!?!
I have porcelain veneers and I broke one last night. I super-glued it back in.
What’s your favorite meal from McDonald’s?
Gah. I have an intense love affair with Mcdonald’s… seriously.
The two things I get are a Big Mac, or the two cheese burger meal with extra ketchup.
Anything else you want your fans to know?
Just that im a Viking and everyone should be jealous.
I noticed. A sexy Halloween viking.
No, I really am an honest to god Viking. My grandparents immigrated from Sweden and my family and I are all members of a viking lodge.

skateboard

really. she's a killa.

uh huh.

Rifle

When people think of Rifle, they think of what could only be called “A Scene”: shirtless posers, loser spraylords, dumb beta scammers, belay gumbies, non-pimps, overly self-conscious females who annoyingly whisper to each other while sitting on rope bags, dreadlocked trip-hoppers, and the gaper choads of climbing gyms who have everything to prove and nothing to lose by talking as loudly as possible.

Guess what? In this case, people are completely right. (How often does that happen?)

Rifle IS a Scene. It’s fucking annoying. At least to me, a “local,” which is to say that my opinion overrides the opinions of just about everyone reading this.

On weekends, I am forced to park in butt-fuck-istan (aka The Bauhaus) with all the chossers and Mexicans. Then, I have to walk up to 10 minutes just to go wait in line to climb my favorite warm-up, Rehabilitator (5.11c). This is Not Fucking Cool! I hate walking. If I wanted to walk, I would get on a treadmill and drink apricot smoothies and smell my own farts. Rather, I want to fall out of my car into my harness and, in an instant, be pissing all over Your Project (5.easy).

Some say that the climbing in Rifle is pretty fun. These people have never been to France or Mallorca, where there is actual quality stone and beautiful scenery. Those who have been abroad and still think that Rifle is good need to be Danza slapped.

Climbers go to Rifle for the same reason that gay men sign up for priest seminary school: To hate themselves by repressing their most intrinsic nature. Rifle is not a place to Send—it’s a place to suffer, suck and fail. Crushing your psyche into a bitter, vestigial ego totally describes the climbing experience here.

Arguably, the best part of Rifle may be how many climbers with vaginas it attracts. “Females,” as they are otherwise known, may be showing increasing presence throughout the climbing community (especially compared to the 1970s, when you could count the number of Climber Girls on one cloven hoof), but nowhere do you find a higher concentration of Girls Who Crush than at Rifle.

This canyon is a fantastic place to socialize and flirt, and that (not the climbing) is certainly the strongest attraction for many. This is why you rarely see people leading, and more often see gumbies hanging out by their big, stupid camper-cars with annoying little stove-and-cooler set-ups, sniffing each other’s crotches like a pack of wild dogs.

Big fucking deal. Anyone can tighten their harness leg loops to make their baby dicks look bigger, but not everyone can interact with members of the opposite sex. You don’t see many Rifle climbers, say, “rollin’ up on dat shorty and spittin’ hot fire.” Instead, Riflers play strange mindfuck games, like they do in sexually repressed Japan, such as projecting an adjacent route to their love interest. This works right up until the Female realizes that she climbs much harder than the Male, whose ego becomes even further crushed because of the gender prejudices concerning athletic performance that still linger among a majority of climber dudes. But again, having your ego crushed is the quintessential Rifle experience, so it’s fine.

The climbing here can best be described as “tricky.” Climbers take months or, not atypically, years before finally reducing a hard climb with enough kneebar trickery and dickhole jessery. In fact, what people “do” in Rifle is barely considered rock climbing in the Eastern bloc of Europe.

So what? This is America, which gives us the freedom to be Louder and Righter than anyone else. It’s the embodiment of this attitude and the freedom to yell “MEX-I-CO!” on the rare occasions I send something that continues to draw me back. Huh? Never mind, robot, and listen to what I say: Rifle is the best summer crag in the United States, and right now its “Scene” is one of the most fun, none-too-serious parties rocking the vertical ghetto.

If you know how to laugh at yourself, and more important, bring extra beer for Me, Rifle can be a pretty good time. I don’t know. There must be some reason that I spend every weekend there. Maybe I just enjoy hating myself. It was either Rifle or priest school.

CAMPING: Campsites are getting fuller and more crowded as the years go on. As a result, more cops come up to patrol on the weekends, which is BAD. Keep a low profile, and don’t do anything stupid. Rules are: no more than two cars and two tents per site.

Rifle is extremely busy and possibly dangerous. There was once a veritable holocaust of two unfortunate victims in a dumpster here. Hungry-looking bears have been spotted in the Wicked Cave. Old, worn draws have been known to slice ropes quicker than bushido blades. Fingers have been lost to desperate clips. Consider not coming to Rifle in the first place. There’s perfectly reasonable climbing in Clear Creek Canyon.

ACCESS: Rifle is open to climbing, but it doesn’t have to be. Keeping this place open means not being a Dumbasss Idiot. And by that, I mean: Don’t belay in the road at the Project wall. Pay the $5 entrance fee (or buy a season pass). Pay for your campsite ($7/night). Don’t park like an autistic loser in illegal spots. Clean up your trash. Don’t shit everywhere. Be friendly. Leave Me alone. And most importantly, keep your dog on a leash. Better yet, don’t bring your dog at all. I assure you that your pet is not as well behaved or cute as you think it is. Rifle’s crag dogs are often annoying and always wet. If this were Mexico, they’d be shot.

PROJECTING ATTITUDE: You’re not special, no one cares about you, and what you are doing is not badass. People climbed all of these routes over a decade ago, before there were gyms to train in. They also didn’t have 15 years of beta refinement from which you now so thoughtlessly rely upon to climb even the most straightforward routes. Leave the attitude at home, in the Front Range, where it belongs.

MUST-DO ROUTES: There’s nothing worth climbing here under 5.13b. Still, some gumbies say they like: Pinch Fest (5.12b), Hand Me the Canteen Boy (5.12d), Cardinal Sin (5.12a), Choss Family (5.11c), Rumor Has It (5.11b) and Do The Mashed Potato (5.7). Other favorites include: Anti-Phil (5.13b), Sprayathon (5.13c), Fluff Boy (5.13c), Pump-o-Rama (5.13a), I’m Not a Philistine (best 5.12c in canyon), Sometimes Always (5.13c), Simply Read (5.13d) and Zulu (5.14a).

Avoid: Cryptic Egyptian (5.13c). It’s a zero-star pile of glued shit.

Check out Dave Pegg’s brand-new guidebook to Rifle (and other Western Slope choss piles), which should be arriving in stores this week. Notable changes to the guidebook include downgrading The Beast to 5.12d and upgrading Roadside Prophet to 5.14a.

REST-DAY ACTIVITIES: Cleaning up trash. Brushing chalk off of my projects. Replacing old, worn draws by contributing your brand new ones.