Who the hell is this guy walking up? I thought this was MY crag. I wonder if he knows I submitted all these routes to Mountain Project and that I organize the Piece of Shit Road Cut Crag Cleanup every year? Oh jesus. He’s wearing all cotton. Ha. What a fucking idiot. This choad is probably a gym rat who has never climbed outside. Let’s see how you do without red tape to guide the way, princess. WTF? Why does he have such a hot girl with him? I bet she doesn’t know only retards venture outside in cotton. Maybe I should point out that my entire wardrobe is synthetic? That would probably make me look hardcore and attractive to that little betty. I bet this loser doesn’t even know what “wicking” means. And I’ll also bet I can steal that chick if I demonstrate a thorough understanding of Gor-tex.

Ok, I should probably say hi first. How about, “Hi, I’m John and I noticed you wearing cotton in the great outdoors.” No, that sounds kinda gay and their car is like 60 feet from here. OH SHIT. This guy is about to start climbing and he’s not even wearing a helmet. He has GOT  to be a gym climber. Ok, I’ll just climb this offwidth. Sure it’s only 5.8, but it’ll should show this Chick what a tosser her boyfriend is. Nothing hotter than grunting and moaning your way through big crack, right? Hmm, why aren’t they looking at me? Can’t they see this rack of HUGE FUCKING CAMS? Ok, I’ll just loudly mention as casually as I can to my belayer that this off idth may only be 5.8, but that I’ve seen it shut down some solid 5.13 sport climbers. THAT should get me some attention.

5 minutes later

OK shit. How do you chicken wing again? It looked so simple on Return to Sender. Aww fuck! I think I just pissed my pants. No biggie. I’ll just pretend it’s sweat. And I’m bleeding—I think that’s hot, right?

WTF? That choad bag just pranced up my project?!?! Did I just say that in my outside voice? Damn. Probably not stealing the girl today. And why does this 5.8 seem so hard? And I’m hanging on the rope. Not hot, John, not hot. Ok, that’s it. Maybe I should start going to the Gym.

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