Shit Climbers Say from Louder Than 11 on Vimeo.

Oh you know them when you see them. And if you don’t know the ways to identify them there is a really good chance you ARE the bumbler.

1. Janglies

I don’t know how else to describe these things. They’ve always got them. It’s like little pieces of flair they attach to their harnesses and or backpacks. None of it is useful too. Like they’ll take an extra locking biner up a sport route, or their grigri. Or they decorate their school bags with carabiners and Nalgenes. Carabiners are not accessories! I know because I have one as a keychain. Instead of Occam’s razor I’m going to start calling it Sharma’s razor. Cut out everything that isn’t totally necessary e.g. get rid of the daisy chain thong. Really.

2. Deathwish

Why do you insist on standing underneath others while they are bouldering? Why do you insist on walking around in the gym oblivious to those climbing above you? Why do you walk around with that blank look on your face that really reveals what a lost cause implementing common sense will be?

3. Beta spray

Have you ever noticed how the beta being shouted at you is usually coming from the most unqualified giver? I know they (me) just shout it because they’re so damn excited to see someone climbing anything, but really do we have to hear it? It’s not even helpful. Unless of course you’re shouting bad beta because you want them to fall. Then it’s an entirely new category. These people are called haters. And they are very very small people (again… me).

4. Umbro shorts

I don’t know how or when this trend started. It once was cool to climb in little tiny shorts. We saw people like John Long wearing these things in old pictures. John Long can do it both because he had big balls and because half the time he wasn’t wearing a harness that framed said balls into a nice little package. Unless you’re applying for CCGOTW please put on something more substantial so when you’re inevitably hanging from the red-taped problem at the gym we don’t have to suffer your poor wardrobe selection.

5. Finds partners on Mountain project/rockclimbing.com

Why. On. Earth. For real. I don’t trust many of my friends to take me up “the edge.” So be wary when you see a request for partners that looks like this: “Hey, in town for a couple days. Have rack and rope. Looking for partners Lead up to 5.10 and follow 5.14b. Trad experience but would love a tour. Psyched to meet in the parking lot or the first time ever, entrust my life to you for a day mr. total stranger, and head out for a few pitches.”

Stay far far away.

6. Crack climbing in the gym

Ever met someone who was just a little too psyched to get “jamming milage” in the gym? Don’t get me wrong I think crack skills are fully a wonderful thing to possess but I’m not certain the gym is the place to obtain them… I’m especially not sure if you really need to be taping up to do it.

1. Rifle

What you need: Orange stocking cap, white shirt, sense of humor, blue markers

Description: Oh my gosh we get the joke and at a climbing party you better hope they do too. Bonus if they don’t though. You’re still a bottle of Elmer’s

2. Verve girl

What you need: 1 Verve Lorelli bra, 1 pair Verve Magico shorts,  overconfidence

Description: Like I said up there, Halloween is a time when girls can wear whatever they want and walk around in public without the scorn and ridicule of all the judging eyes. Actually that’s not true. The sexy nurse, Dracula, Frankenstein will still get judged, but for some reason it’s okay. Anyway. Buy the pieces. Wear them out in a non-climbing situation where all functionality goes straight out the window. Have every male who’s ever seen a rock hit on you. Just remember to make your own drinks as to avoid that Rohypnol stuff.

3. A Climbing Gym

What you need: Some climbing holds, a way to attach them to your body, perverted creativity

Description: This is simple. Get some climbing holds, attach them to your body, get girls/guys to touch you. It’s kinda like being the Twister board. Instead of people saying “Right hand Red!” and either grabbing or pretending to grab your boobs/dick. They’ll be saying “I’m climbing the yellow route!” and actually grabbing a hold shaped like your boobs/dick.

4. Warren Harding

What you need: An attitude, a bottle of wine, some climbing gear

Description: Warren Harding is an icon. If you don’t know who he is then Wikipedia that fool because he’s rad (oh and make sure and Wiki the climber not the president). You just need some ratty clothes, a bottle of wine and a weathered-ass face that says “You wanna drink with me, but there’s no way you’d trusts me with a box of kittens.”

5. Royal Robbins

What you need: Glasses, Royal Robbins clothing, a “Warren Harding”

Description: Sure you can go and try to make a historical look out of this one but I mean he has a whole brand of clothing with his name on it. I say just buy some of that. Then if you’re lucky enough to have a Warren Harding you can both get drunk and bicker about bolts and purity for the rest of the night. This will be good because it’s doubtful anyone at the parties you went to will know who the fuck you are anyway.

6. Alpinetard

What you need: Janglies (that metal stuff climbers carry around), double ropes, Copy of Freedom of the Hills, debilitating social anxiety, sense that you’re better than everyone else

Description: To pull off this costume requires commitment because as we all know that’s what it takes to be a real alpine climber. You have to commit when you think the going gets tough. You suck it up and push for the summit. The summit in this case is to make everyone feel awkward. Start by wearing your alpine suit of tech gear, put a bunch of stuff in your back pack and start wandering around the party breathing heavily. At some point get some ice cubes and melt them for water with a small stove. No matter what when people talk to you or ask you what you are your only response should be “pure.” Even later set up your “tent” and have a restless sleep full of nightmares that make you awkward to hear from outside. Classic the whole way.

7. Cliff Hanger

What you need: Muscles, “Bolt gun”, John Lithgow

Description: Really any Sly character is going to make a good outfit but this one is brilliant! Tank top check, harness check, random looking gun that shoots bolts out of it! MUTHAFUCKIN CHECK!

8. Pro Hoes

What you need: Pro climber, 2+ Verve girls

Description: I’m still not even sure if these even exist yet in our sport like they do in skateboarding or snowboarding. I don’t think they do but they should. All you need is one guy to dress up like his favorite pro climber and get a bunch of girls to put on some revealing outfits and hang all over you all night. It’s like climbing version of dressing as a pimp for Halloween. But like the lady above make sure you get the “pro” to sign your body multiple times throughout the night instead of “chokin’ a bitch.”

9. Huberbaum

What you need: Jeans, Leather pants, overflowing amounts of radness

Description: You’ve seen these two around. They’re brothers, they’re German, they destroy things.  Find a partner, squeeze into those tight pants an let the drinks bring you deeper into a terrible German accent.

10. Stormtrooper

What you need: The outfit

Description: No He doesn’t climb but come on. That’s the coolest costume on the planet.

Limit came back from Rifle this year and explained to me that the new buzz word for the season in that steep canyon was “fitness.”  While we poked fun at how there always seems to be a little word that infiltrates the minds and hearts of the Rifle faithful each season, it donned on me that “fitness” is where it’s at.  Whether you’re a route climber, alpinista, boulderer, etc. we can all use a little more “fitness” to accomplish our goals.  Enter Movement gym, whose motto happens to be “climbing+fitness.”

This plastic Eden finally landed in Boulder, CO during the summer months this year when most climbers were tending their outdoor projects.  To the chagrin of some, the long awaited facility busted on the scene with weekend of FREE climbing, BBQ, and other Grand Opening activities.

“Another Gym in Boulder?”  The naysayers were out there, I heard’em, however, I seem to see those same people tied in to the steep Voyager wall that now looms over the main section of Movement.  Let’s just say this, once you see the place, you will more than likely wanna slip those climbing booties on and get after some good ole plastic pullin.

Let’s check off the top five reasons that YOU should be climbing at Movement:

1.  Peer Pressure.  Let’s be honest, it’s new, it’s hip, you’ll be a cool kid if you set foot in the place.

2.  Energy.  The psych from this vault of awesomeness is literally oozing from the walls.  Fact:  if you’re psyched you will climb better.

3.  Modernity.  Exercise equipment has cable television built in!  This may even get me on the treadmill.

4.  Routesetters.  I mean a gym can only be as good as its setters right?  I don’t care how many buckets of nifty little plastic holds you have or how steep your walls are, its gotta be bolted down with some experience and creativity.  Well, Movement has the setting situation on lockdown!  Don’t you even worry bout it, just go and climb that shizzy!

5.  Greenieness.  I small bird told me that Movement is the most environmentally friendly building in Boulder!  Say What?  Another bird, or maybe the same one also told me that their energy bill for last month was $19!

6.  Affordable memberships.  Memberships include cycling classes, yoga classes, state of the art Techno Fitness Equipment,  and yes, of course, climbing.

7.  Website.  Scope the site here.  Up-to-date information on the haps of the gym, great gallery, and climber profiles.  Track your route progress via the Redpoint section of the site.

8.  Towels.  I love fresh towels, go ahead, ask for one at the desk you’ll get it!

Okay, so I went beyond my 5 points, but that should let you know how sick this place is.  Prediciton:  after a winter of boulderites climbing in this gym the website known as 8a.nu will explode, which in turn, will make the universe explode.

There’s more to “training” than just screwing around in the gym, which is usually what I do.  If you really want to get serious about things, then check the variety of programs, teams, classes and one-on-one private instruction by the professional and psyched coaches and trainers at Movement.  You want it, They have it.

Here’s the details on Rates, Directions and the like…By clicking you are agreeing to go to Movement and work on that Fitness…CLICK NOW!

Here’s some official photos that should have you salivating to become a strong gym rat.  Thanks to wadedavid.com for sending these our way.

Name:

How long have you been climbing?
Since I was in middle school, but not seriously, just a couple trips and rock gyms.
Where’s the best place you’ve traveled for climbing?
Strictly for climbing? Well I’d say probably Hueco Tanks.
What do you when you aren’t climbing?
I play soccer and run track for OBU
What do you run?
Well I run anything between the 400 and the 1600, but I’d say the 800 is my race. I’m not a big track fan, it bores me to run in circles, but it pays the bills.
Running is paying the bills? Are you all scholarshipped?
Well, actually soccer pays for pretty much all my school, but track helps out as well
What’s the best thing about climbing in Oklahoma?
I’d say the best thing is looking forward to climbing somewhere other than in Oklahoma…
Ouch!
No, Oklahoma isn’t that bad. There is more than you’d think actually.
What’s the best part about being a climber girl?
It’s a great way to chill with some really cool people and chill in some really beautiful areas just havin’ fun.
That’s the best part about being a girl?
Ha, I guess I couldn’t think of anything gender specific, sorry.
What’s the dumbest thin you’ve ever done under the influence?
I’m under 21 so you know I’m not supposed to be under the influence yet…
What did you think of Where the Wild Things Are?
Super trippy kids movie!!! Really one of the strangest i’ve ever seen.
What are you going to be for Halloween?
Well, I’m trying to convince my boyfriend to shave of his beard and keep the mustache and be goose and I will be Maverick from Topguna. We’ll see if it works out.
If you were going to be the hot heroine in a horror movie which one would you be ?
A horror movie,  that’s a tough one. Maybe Jessica Biel in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre because she’s the only one who lives, so she must be bad A.
What’s the best thing about Halloween and being in college?
Together or separately?
Together, you know like you can’t exactly trick-or-treat anymore…
I did last year and it was great, just a little awkward when you find a grump who thinks you’re too old, but they still give you candy. I don’t think I will trick-or-treat this year though. It’s hard to find people who are willing to do it with you.
If you had to choose one movie to watch on repeat for rest of your life which one would you choose?
I’m gonna go with A Knights Tale. It’s got everything you need: eye candy, comedy, love, drama and action.
If you could have one animal as a pet that would not normally be a pet what would you domesticate?
A hippo, so cute and chubby.
Like the full size?!
Well, if I could have a miniature that would probably be better.
Leave us with some great bit of knowledge.
This is cheesy but love is all we need, just like the song!

WILL YOU GET SOME?

Name: Taylor

Age: 19

Location: Boulder, CO

Hometown: Richmond, VA

How do you like Boulder?

I love it!  it’s beautiful, and I feel like there is literally good climbing ten minutes in any direction except east. Then its about 22 hours to really good climbing
What kind of climber are you and where do you like climbing the most?
I’m a route climber, and I can’t get over crimpy, face routes…very girly…and I love the New River Gorge more than any other place that I have ever climbed
except I don’t climb very girly-esque…I just really like crimps.
What are your training plans for the winter. Are you gonna work on your fitness like the rifletards do?
Haha HELL yeah.  Actually I don’t know…climb everday?  Is that a training plan?  There are a bunch of stuff I want to send at the New, so I guess technique and

getting my endurance back after bouldering for a year. I also see people run sometimes. That’s inspiring, but not quite inspiring enough.
What do you think about Verve shorts?
Um,  I’d go with kind of awesome and not appropriate. I mean who doesn’t want to climb naked?  Honestly.
Men everywhere salute you i’m sure of it. How do you deal with boys that hit on you in the gym?
I talk about my boyfriend.
I’ve never actually seen that be an effective means of repulsion…
Yeah…i’m also good at being awkward, so that sometimes scares them off, and if that doesn’t work then I just get them to belay me. One time I told a guy my boyfriend would beat the shit out of him if he didn’t stop bothering me, but that was a special case haha.

Geeze. What did he say to that?
I mean, he stopped bothering me.   I’m not a jerk I swear!  He was just being really obnoxious.
If you could be any rapper for a day who would you?
Easy-E. Without a doubt. He’s a badass and the leader of N.W.A.  and I’ve always wanted to be from Compton…
Virginia to Compton… I don’t see it, but whatever you think. Do you snowboard or ski or anything?
I snowboard!
Which is your favorite mountain out here?
Thats I hard one, I’ve had my worst and best days at Vail, but overall I would say

that Keystone is my favorite, Breck is a close second.
Have you climbed out of the country yet?
Kind of.  It’s a little shameful.  I went to Greece with my mom and forced her to let me climb, but I only ended up doing a 5.5 multipitch route with a climber I found at a restaurant. It was multipitch though, which is always good, and we got an amazing view of Meteora, Greece.
What’s your favorite thing to do when you’re not climbing?
Quite honestly?  Cuddling is my second favorite activity I literally spend atleast 2 hours cuddling a day.
I feel like that’s a lot of wasted time… two hours. I mean… come on.
Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time at all…or something like that. Regardless its definitely not wasted!  It’s my 2nd favorite activity!

What are you majoring in?
Environmental engineering with a minor in geology.
You like rocks a lot huh?
I was literally just about to say that I like rocks.
Well, I can’t htink of anything else to ask you and this interview is really more of a formality anyway. Any words of wisdom you can leave us with? Anything really awesome we shoudl know about you?
I teach kids how to climb all summer and the most common words of wisdom I

give is telling middle schoolers to wear deoderant, so wear deoderant!  Climb routes, don’t boulder, go to the New and cuddle for at least 2 hours each day.

1. THE COFFEE ISSUE

As you can see in the photo coffee is a must around the house. The pot broke so in it’s place is a terrible excuse for a coffee holder, but since the people residing under this roof are climbers they are too lazy to get a new one but need coffee too much to top drinking it. They (we) call it being resourceful. Most people call it retarded. As a climber though, coffee is important. On that, I think we can all agree. (note the sticker (see #4)

2. THE SADDEST REFRIGERATORS ON EARTH

Now this isn’t true, I don’t imagine, for a lot of climbers. Especially the ones that live alone, but when you get 3-4 climbing fellas in a house their cold storage is bound to end up like this time and time again. Lets note a few things about this fridge. A) There’s no real food. Eggs, milk, OJ (which I know was just purchased for the sole purpose of making screwdrivers with the handle of vodka in the freezer. B) There is nothing healthy. That is a giant tub of margarine. There are no vegetables, fruits, greens there’s not even deli meat in there. Just American cheese singles.

3. BOTTLE OPENERS

Climbers like bottle openers. On their keychains, on their caribiners (shown), in their cars, in their tents, on their belt buckles, on their nut tools, on their shoes, in and on everything. It’s pathetic actually. I have them everywhere. It’s just silly. The best part is I usually open bottles with a lighter because I forget I have bottle openers. I think we like them because it’s the quickest way to show other climbers you’re one of the drinking tribe, which I personally think is dumb because I mean there’s like only 4% of the total climbing population that don’t like a good drink.

4. FUCKING STICKERS EVERYWHERE

Look at this microwave. This is just dumb. No one wants their house to look like this. Climbers do this because deep down they know stickers are the most worthless thing on earth. Most people don’t want to be committing to brands by putting them on our cars and such since most normal people don’t REALLY know the difference between a North Face and a Patagonia rain jacket. So what happens is we put all the stickers we get onto everything we own to show…how many stickers we’ve acquired? I actually have no  idea why things are like this. I took a quick look around Mt. Crushmore (the p and c house/hostel/office) we have stickers on the following: microwave (shown) mailbox inside the house, fridge, bathroom mirror, various doors, coffee pot, various walls, stove, trash can, dvd, player, random items sitting around the house that someone thought a stcker belonged on, coffee cups, water bottles, filing cabinet, dresser, guitar case, computer. And that’s just what I remember or can see from my seat right now.

5. CLIMBING SOLUTIONS TO MODERN PROBLEMS

This is in Bronco’s closet. Hangers were not good enough for Bronco. Jeans were not meant to be folded or hung. so what do we do? We tie a busted rope to either end of the closet attach biners with alpine butterflies and then hang jeans on them. Just look at that handy work. If you walk into someone’s house and you see something like this, it’s okay to to laugh. It’s also okay to steal these ideas and do them yourself because you’re jealous you don’t have an easy way to access your jeans and think about climbing all at once. There are other examples too. Notice the thing holding the bottle openers up above. Climbing gear rulz. like. totez.

6. A NEGLECTED CLIMBING HELMET

This one I’m pretty sure you’ll find in a lot of climbers homes. A helmet with scratches that only exist because it was taken to the crag early in the climbers career and thrown on the ground NEAR him. It’s doubtful that much  rock actually fell on the helmet.  Anyway. These things stay tucked away just in case the climber decides to climb something like the Diamond, which to me is hysterical since I feel like you’re more likely to get hit with a rock in Rifle than on Long’s… what do I know though, my helmet is in the garage.

7. CLIMBING GEAR PRETTY MUCH EVERYWHERE

I mean this is the obvious one. Climbers have climbing gear everywhere. duh. You’ll find it in the bathroom, in the kitchen, on the tv, behind the tv, under the couch, in the couch, behind the couch, every surface upon which gear can be set will have gear on it. Also notice the Dale’s Pale Ale can in the stack. Typical. Awesome.

8. READING MATERIAL

You would be hard-pressed to find a climbers toilet that doesn’t include a stack of climbing porn next to the tank. Climbers spend so much time outside and occasionally shitting in the woods we like to completely be at ease when we actually do get to sit on the great white contoured seat, so we set aside a library of reading material which usually includes entire histories of mags. We still have the issue of Rock and Ice that Time Child was featured on for sending that honeymoon route on the Diamond. Weird. Sorry Tommy, I just told the world I look at you in a magazine while I’m sitting on the toilet. I hope that’s not too awkward for you.

9. OBVIOUS LACK OF INTEREST IN HYGIENE

I wrestled with showing this to you all, but I’m still of the opinion that this is plenty. This is all that exists in our shower and I don’t think we are alone with showers like this.  We aren’t girls. We are men with short hair and mostly hairless bodies, but I admit, this isn’t a lot. At any given time there are 3-5 people staying at Mt. Crushmore and we have a bottle of shampoo that’s nearly empty, a couple bars of soap, a razor with no actual razor and one tooth brush. This is the simple approach. We are simple people with simple needs. This I contest is typical of many climbers, but I suppose that’s to be expected with a bunch of people who are used to not showering for days and days on end. Who really likes showering anyway.

The real problem about this scenario is not that it happens too often or that it sort of ruins your morning and maybe even your evening. It’s that it typically happens on a Friday or Saturday which as you very well understand are the nights before big weekend climbing days. This tends to ruin any chances of hard climbing unless your name is Limit and can push your body to the upper stratosphere of the deadly hangover realm. I have witnessed this. A lady at the crag became pregnant and gave birth in the 9 minutes it took him to onsight this thing at Shelf while me and Bronco flailed helplessly on something I’m certain was far easier.

We all know though, that you can’t just NOT climb. That’s rule number 3 in section 8 of the official P&C handbook. So you head out only to find you can’t pull down to save your life. SO WHAT, YOU’RE WEAK. When this occurs it’s officially time to declare an easy day to save all face and avoid making troublesome excuses to your friends later about suckingbigtime.

I recommend everyone learn vital ways to magically morph climbing days into easy days. It’s especially important that all climbers be on the same schedule when embarking on easy days. If you have a few wanting to crush and the other few unable to do so you become instant fodder for their insults which according to section 15 article 4, they are required to dish as much shit as possible when faced with crusher to chuffer ratios equal to or more than 2:1. Basically, if more than half the group is crushing that day, you are without excuse. you little bitch.

This means it’s up to you to convince those who did not have the fantastic night that you did that climbing moderates may be a good idea.

This can be achieved in a few ways. Some more creative than others. Some downright pathetic. And yet still others that stealthily and effectively eliminate the need for anyone to climb hard.

1. Belay, bitch. Belay.

It is unlikely anyone will make fun of the person that belays them all.fucking.day. When I say All Day I mean all day in it’s entirety. If you are going to be a little girl then put on your little dress and belay like the little bitch you are. For everyone. Until they are done.

2. Chunder

I haven’t used this one ye because it takes someone far more special than me to pull it off correctly. When one of your compatriots begins to goad you a bit about your inability or lack of motivation bend over a little bit and literally throw up on their shoes. This will without a doubt leave them a) speechless b) confused. When you come up wipe your mouth and say something like, “What were you saying?”Instant relief.

3. Beer Me Bro!

Bring some beer to the crag! Nothing says climb some easy shit like getting drunk underneath some cliff in the mountains. If there’s beer in the vicinity it’s likely no one will think twice about what you’re climbing and why. Especially if you’re the one that bought it.

4. Dude, Where’s my Shoes?

Dude. Really. Just leave your shoes at home “on accident.” I mean what are they going to expect you to do when you can’t pimp that little crimp and smear that little footer with your size 4 ultra down-turned moonboots brah. Of course you can’t send. Do them in YOUR floppy little Testarosas? Yeah right, suck one…

5. Never Ending Story

Everyone is going to warm up a bit when they get to the crag. Take this time to move slow and climb some easy stuff. When they are about ready to move onto some harder things tell your friends your shoulder is a bit tweaked and you’d like to stretch it out some more. No harm no fowl there. Your partners would never want you injured of course! After warming up again, find another person in your fold and do it again. Continue this warm up practice as long as you possibly can. If you’re talented enough, you can do this all day without raising any suspicions, but you have to try hard.

Good luck out there. If all this fails. Cowboy up. And friends, if you find a whiner in your crew. Harass them until they cry.