Hm. Well, maybe you have ideas on how to keep yourself busy when belaying….Here’s the story.

I’m not an alpine climber. Never was, never will be. The approach kills me (asthma, I swear). And the “alpine start”…WTF!?  Anywho, I went on a climb a few days ago with my friend Kevin, which was pretty epic, but I was so damn tired at the belay, I couldn’t help but nod off. I know, I fucking fail at life. I started whistling, then I realized I suck at whistling, then I started singing…..and then I started getting angry. Like, what the eff is Kevin DOING?
So maybe you have some more ideas for us belayers who are helplessly narcoleptic.

Yours trulee,
Ms. Dyan

Alright Ms. Dyan. You just shut your lips and learn. I am not so certain how alpine climbing got brought up in this letter. Have you read our site before? We don’t like it. You have to walk. You have to like… be cold. No. Next time Kevin calls  you to Alpine with him, you tell him you have to wash your hair or whatever other bullshit excuse girls come up with.

Now as far as your belaying problem goes. I have a few solutions that I use a lot.
1) Don’t wake up in the single digits. I read in the medical journal somewhere it’s good for people to sleep past 10. Always. No matter what. If you wake up and you’re still drunk this is a problem. It’s an awesome problem but a problem all the same.
2) Drink some fucking coffee. It’s the nectar of life. You should consume at least one pot of coffee each morning. And that’s IF you slept your full 8 hours the night before if not, you need to add an extra 16 oz. for every hour you missed.
3) Smoke cigarettes. I also read somewhere that these are good for you. I can’t remember where though. They keep you awake. Certainly.
When Kevin reads this he will likely never let you belay again. I certainly wouldn’t
4) Buy a grigri so that if you do fall asleep your leader won’t hit the ground when/if they fall.

Now that I think about this I can’t even believe you climb… You FALL ASLEEP WHILE BELAYING?!
Are you kidding me?
I think you answered this question in your email “you fail at life.”

Send any inquiries or questions to wig@pimpinandcrimpin.com and I will be happy to solve any of your problems.

Our first question comes from an old friend of ours from Okieland:

Dear P&C, How do I balance a strong desire to have a healthy relationship with my wife, care for and support a baby girl, and have enough time left to support my climbing habit?

Wig: Listen man. I get it, I really do. It’s gonna be hard to tell your wife and child that climbing is in fact more important than them (which may or may not be my personal projections), and you shouldn’t have to put them (or yourself) through that kind of torture. You are in a unique position though. As a young married man you have some pretty young friends. Young single dude friends. Convince these strapping bucks that babysitting a baby girl is a sure fire way to get some much needed attention from la femmes. It’s a complete lie, but who will he be to question a dude married to a hot lady who will soon be bearing his children. I’m just saying utilize these resources to free up some time in your schedule. Go climbing. Take your wife on a date (climbing). Do spend some time with your kid though (climbing) after all these are the years where your daughter won’t hate you for being a stingy, dull and very uncool father because you won’t throw down $600 for a new YSL purse and a new car for your money eating bratty teenager.

Really though? Enjoy fatherhood and never climbing again sucka!

LIMIT:

As with most great conundrums, the answer to your question is “it depends.” Is the demon you’re trying to feed craving outside cragging 5 days a week? If that’s the case, well, honestly you’re fucked. With you’re nearest crag being 2 hours away, there is no way that will happen. You seem hung up on this whole balance thing-the only thing I try to balance is climbing and drinking. If it were me, I’d say fuck it and get divorced but I doubt that’s even a consideration for you.

If on the other hand, your demon wants to cranks HARD, there is hope. It’s only a glimmer but its there. You’re going to have to want it and work for it. Here’s the way I see it. You need more time for climbing so something has got to go. Obviously it’s not family or you wouldn’t have asked this question, and it’s probably not work because you’ve got to support said family. That really only leaves one thing- sleep. You’re going to have to become one of these mythical men who not only survive, but indeed thrive by sleeping 2 hours a night, or maybe 10 hours on Sunday. You’re gonna to have to embrace copious doses of caffeine and sleep deprivation as a way of life. You’ve got to commit to getting up before the family to train. Since gyms don’t open that early, you’ll have to build one hell of a home training facility. I know you’re not a rich man, so you might have to get creative to fund this little project. My suggestion- sell blow. That shit is profitable. Or so I’m told.

Buy training books. (Self Coached Climber, Training For Climbing, Performance Rock Climbing…). Read them. And train the piss out of yourself. I’m told it works. I’ve never had the discipline to stick to any sort of regimen, but I also have the luxury of climbing outside 15 minutes from my house. I don’t know how disciplined you are, but if you lack it, find a self help coach or hypnotist to buy it from.

Loose weight. This is almost like a freebie. Most weight loss experts will tell you that real weight loss isn’t so much about dieting as it is a lifestyle change. Fuck that. Just quit eating! Works for me. There is no time sink away from the family and you can climb harder by doing nothing!

Get after it. When you do get that precious time on the rock, you’ve got to quit fucking around. The best piece of climbing advice I’ve ever been given was from Nick Duttle, almost in passing: try hard. You’ve got to give up the idea that you’re not ready for something (unless we’re talking about a serious x rated route) and just go for you want with all you’ve got, with a balls to the wall, pedal to the metal, pull till you pop mentality. No toproping. No excuses. Sounds harsh but that’s real yo.

Our first question comes from Shane Seaton of the Great State of Oklahoma. Here is Shane’s email (edited for space).

Hey P&C,
This weekend I was climbing at Lost Dome with Randy Banning. We wanted to put up a toprope on Made in the Shade 5.12RX so Randy could work his project…I am a fairly conservative climber (Read: scared) and Randy is a boulderer who’s never placed a nut in his life. Luckily, Crackalolo 5.10b has three bolts at the top so to him it was like climbing a highball with a rope between his legs. He did place one nut 15 ft up and then ran it out another 15 to the first bolt…I was watching him and suddenly got hit in the hands by something. His stopper wasn’t so stopped. We laughed about it and it scared the crap out me and I started second guessing my decision to lead it on those stoppers. Well, Randy talked me into it and after placing three of them in the 15 ft of crack I headed into the comfort of the bolts. It was great. The adrenaline. The gear. I had a taste of the trad life and wanted more. Then I got on Made in the Shade and sent it clean, TR of course. I wouldn’t have thought that was possible. I had been on it once before and it wasn’t too bad, but wow it felt good to do those moves.
So, here is life’s big question. What is my next step in climbing? Of course the next step after the TR should be the lead, but as I said, my head game is a little off and I have no desire to lead crazy RX runouts or place sketchy gear. I am not opposed to getting a head game and leading some runouts (no RX) and learning to place good gear. The rush I got that day reminded me of the first time I climbed. I wasn’t freaked out just adrenalized. So how do I get that rush and feel safe? Is this oxymoronic? Especially here in OK where our ethical hardass first ascentionists were scarce on bolts.

Please help me P&C

okay, peace out,
shane seaton aka okieclimber

BRONCO:

Shaney Shane, I remember teaching you how to place gear at Upper Mt. Scott some 4 or 5 years ago. The route, Arm Bar 5.6. The gear, every last nut, cam, and hex I had. You climbed a ways and placed a #2 BD cam, it came out, but you pushed on and lead the thing with confidence. Oh my, it does my heart good to get your letter. So psyched that threw down on Crack-a-lolo, Sick! What’s more, the TR burn on Made in the Shade gave you a good glimpse of what these harder routes are about, and you did it clean! All in all, sounds like a steller day, a real confidence booster, a psyche regeneration if you will, and I will.

So, here’s the bizzynus. You basically want what we all want, climbing hard and not dying. Pretty worth goals if you ask me. Saddling up to scary gear, sport, or bouldering problems is something that shouldn’t be taken lightly. However, some of the cleanest most aesthetic lines out there can be runout. So here’s my advice, besides the obvious “go out and climb a lot” line, when you are out there get used to placing gear on routes that you are comfortable with, something within your ability, but not too challenging. This way you know you can sit there and place bomber gear and feel good about moving on. Calculate your fall potential and if the gear below is good and the next section looks easy for you, run that shit out! Feel the exposure, embrace it. This is a good way to get comfortable placing gear in hard sections and running out easier sections with confidence. Hope this helps, happy climbing! When you’re ready come out and do Jules Verne with me in Eldo, that will test these newly found skills.

LIMIT
I’m probably the last person you want to take advice from about climbing hard runout shit. If you’ve hung around me and P&C crew for more than a couple days, you’ve doubtlessly heard of the infamous Arnie Whimper. While guys like Cassidy hill can grunt, scream, and will their way past hard and scary sections, I’m more or less reduced to a shrivelled manchild curled up in the fetal position emitting moans whines and whimpers. Basically, I’m a wimp. My balls are shrivelled up to the size of two peas in a desert sand storm.
Nonetheless, I would like to think myself a keen observer of humanity, so what I can offer you is my observations of how those guys you tote their giant brass balls to the crag in a wheelbarrow do it. To wit, I offer you: The Lessons of Dean Potter

1. The Primal State.

As it turns out, scary trad is a mind game that requires you to feel cosmically connected to beastly animals, the inanimate rock and most importantly the earlier, less intelligent ancestor of modern man. My best interpretation of the Primal State is that runout trad is, in reality, such stupid idea, that it requires you to transcend past your well developed sense of self preservation to a state of existing not dissimilar to cromagnan man who didn’t live past 23.

2. Caves.

As it turns out, the best way to enter The Primal State is to spend a lot of time living in caves. This not only lets you dissociate yourself from the effeminating effects of modern luxury and feel more deeply connected to the caveman, it also gives you such a feeling of worthlessness that the only way to justify your pitiful, filth besot existence is to risk life and limb for the fleeting honor, glory and commendation of a scary send.

3. The Moment.

To climb scary trad, you have to somehow Be in The Moment. After years of contemplation, I think I’ve finally figured this one out. The Moment is a perfectly infinitesimal unit of time. There is not past not future, nor what has been nor what will be. The wonderful thing about The Moment is that, once entered, you are no longer aware of the shitty gear beneath you that probably couldn’t hold a mouse and is just waiting to deposit your corpse on the talus field below, nor can you think about the slopers greased with death’s own oil awaiting you above. How do you get there? No idea. I think it has something to do with yoga mats, Warrior One, and chanting mudras, darhmas, and namastes to yourself. I don’t really know. But if you ever figure it out, let me know.