Oh you know them when you see them. And if you don’t know the ways to identify them there is a really good chance you ARE the bumbler.

1. Janglies

I don’t know how else to describe these things. They’ve always got them. It’s like little pieces of flair they attach to their harnesses and or backpacks. None of it is useful too. Like they’ll take an extra locking biner up a sport route, or their grigri. Or they decorate their school bags with carabiners and Nalgenes. Carabiners are not accessories! I know because I have one as a keychain. Instead of Occam’s razor I’m going to start calling it Sharma’s razor. Cut out everything that isn’t totally necessary e.g. get rid of the daisy chain thong. Really.

2. Deathwish

Why do you insist on standing underneath others while they are bouldering? Why do you insist on walking around in the gym oblivious to those climbing above you? Why do you walk around with that blank look on your face that really reveals what a lost cause implementing common sense will be?

3. Beta spray

Have you ever noticed how the beta being shouted at you is usually coming from the most unqualified giver? I know they (me) just shout it because they’re so damn excited to see someone climbing anything, but really do we have to hear it? It’s not even helpful. Unless of course you’re shouting bad beta because you want them to fall. Then it’s an entirely new category. These people are called haters. And they are very very small people (again… me).

4. Umbro shorts

I don’t know how or when this trend started. It once was cool to climb in little tiny shorts. We saw people like John Long wearing these things in old pictures. John Long can do it both because he had big balls and because half the time he wasn’t wearing a harness that framed said balls into a nice little package. Unless you’re applying for CCGOTW please put on something more substantial so when you’re inevitably hanging from the red-taped problem at the gym we don’t have to suffer your poor wardrobe selection.

5. Finds partners on Mountain project/rockclimbing.com

Why. On. Earth. For real. I don’t trust many of my friends to take me up “the edge.” So be wary when you see a request for partners that looks like this: “Hey, in town for a couple days. Have rack and rope. Looking for partners Lead up to 5.10 and follow 5.14b. Trad experience but would love a tour. Psyched to meet in the parking lot or the first time ever, entrust my life to you for a day mr. total stranger, and head out for a few pitches.”

Stay far far away.

6. Crack climbing in the gym

Ever met someone who was just a little too psyched to get “jamming milage” in the gym? Don’t get me wrong I think crack skills are fully a wonderful thing to possess but I’m not certain the gym is the place to obtain them… I’m especially not sure if you really need to be taping up to do it.

The real problem about this scenario is not that it happens too often or that it sort of ruins your morning and maybe even your evening. It’s that it typically happens on a Friday or Saturday which as you very well understand are the nights before big weekend climbing days. This tends to ruin any chances of hard climbing unless your name is Limit and can push your body to the upper stratosphere of the deadly hangover realm. I have witnessed this. A lady at the crag became pregnant and gave birth in the 9 minutes it took him to onsight this thing at Shelf while me and Bronco flailed helplessly on something I’m certain was far easier.

We all know though, that you can’t just NOT climb. That’s rule number 3 in section 8 of the official P&C handbook. So you head out only to find you can’t pull down to save your life. SO WHAT, YOU’RE WEAK. When this occurs it’s officially time to declare an easy day to save all face and avoid making troublesome excuses to your friends later about suckingbigtime.

I recommend everyone learn vital ways to magically morph climbing days into easy days. It’s especially important that all climbers be on the same schedule when embarking on easy days. If you have a few wanting to crush and the other few unable to do so you become instant fodder for their insults which according to section 15 article 4, they are required to dish as much shit as possible when faced with crusher to chuffer ratios equal to or more than 2:1. Basically, if more than half the group is crushing that day, you are without excuse. you little bitch.

This means it’s up to you to convince those who did not have the fantastic night that you did that climbing moderates may be a good idea.

This can be achieved in a few ways. Some more creative than others. Some downright pathetic. And yet still others that stealthily and effectively eliminate the need for anyone to climb hard.

1. Belay, bitch. Belay.

It is unlikely anyone will make fun of the person that belays them all.fucking.day. When I say All Day I mean all day in it’s entirety. If you are going to be a little girl then put on your little dress and belay like the little bitch you are. For everyone. Until they are done.

2. Chunder

I haven’t used this one ye because it takes someone far more special than me to pull it off correctly. When one of your compatriots begins to goad you a bit about your inability or lack of motivation bend over a little bit and literally throw up on their shoes. This will without a doubt leave them a) speechless b) confused. When you come up wipe your mouth and say something like, “What were you saying?”Instant relief.

3. Beer Me Bro!

Bring some beer to the crag! Nothing says climb some easy shit like getting drunk underneath some cliff in the mountains. If there’s beer in the vicinity it’s likely no one will think twice about what you’re climbing and why. Especially if you’re the one that bought it.

4. Dude, Where’s my Shoes?

Dude. Really. Just leave your shoes at home “on accident.” I mean what are they going to expect you to do when you can’t pimp that little crimp and smear that little footer with your size 4 ultra down-turned moonboots brah. Of course you can’t send. Do them in YOUR floppy little Testarosas? Yeah right, suck one…

5. Never Ending Story

Everyone is going to warm up a bit when they get to the crag. Take this time to move slow and climb some easy stuff. When they are about ready to move onto some harder things tell your friends your shoulder is a bit tweaked and you’d like to stretch it out some more. No harm no fowl there. Your partners would never want you injured of course! After warming up again, find another person in your fold and do it again. Continue this warm up practice as long as you possibly can. If you’re talented enough, you can do this all day without raising any suspicions, but you have to try hard.

Good luck out there. If all this fails. Cowboy up. And friends, if you find a whiner in your crew. Harass them until they cry.

The Worrier

Terribly boring this one. You don’t really want to climb with them. They don’t like cleaning draws off routes because the rope is touching part of the rock that “might be sharp enough to cut it.” They suck basically because you can’t have any fun climbing with them. They won’t take falls and if they actually manage to get to the top of a rock climb, you’ll end up climbing it again just to clean it. There’s a line between safe and neurotic and they are on the side that doesn’t make me happy.
Attributes: Nervous look, ropes over 10mm, constant verbal internal dialogue about how nervous they are, excuses…
How to handle: Bring you’re own partner, if they ask for a belay tell them you just dropped your grigri off the last climb you just did. Trust me, they’ll ask someone else.

The Gumby

Hardly needs a description. I used to be one, you used to be one. They are terrible at climbing and more terrible at being safe. The ones that are safe are annoying. They all know how to use a bail biner and that’s about all they do well.
Attributes: ATC’s for cragging, flat-lasted shoes on overhung terrain, aggressive shoes on slabs, daisy chains.
How to Handle: They travel in packs and much like the Worrier, they are to be avoided. Some kind hearted people will take a gumby under their wing and teach them to be less like an idiot and more like a member of awesometown, but don’t feel obligated. They’ll figure it out eventually just like you did.

The Know-it-all

These bags of douche are everywhere. They are usually a local and they know everything (hence the name). They know everything about every route. If they havn’t done it  you can be for certain they know someone who has and has had a very detailed conversation about it. They are obnoxious. to the maximum.
Attributes: They are always talking. If they don’t know you they will get to know you and find out why you’re climbing what you’re climbing and what they can tell you about it. This is all they do. I don’t even think they climb.
How to handle: They approach you most of the time. I you can spot one before they do this climb at a different area than them to avoid. They are really good at blowing your onsight with their vast knowledge and big fat ugly mouths. You could be diplomatic and humor them but my favorite method is “hey dicknose, shut the fuck up. Speak only when spoken to.”

Token Hot Girl

There is always one as I said above. There are rarely two, and never three. It just doesn’t happen. They are super hot. Rarely do they climb very hard, but we all know it doesn’t matter. 5.6-5.14, we guys are just glad they exist. Occasionally however rarely they will travel in groups. THIS is awesome.
Attributes: Tiny clothes, hot bod, group of drooling dudes trying to climb on the routes adjacent even if they’re the chossiest 5.9+x routes in the area.
How to handle: Your best bet is just give up homie they usually have a boyfriend and they are usually with them. Sometimes though your climbing the adjacent route tactic will actually work, but I wouldn’t hold your breath. If they’re in a group don’t even try. They will eat you alive. I’ve seen it happen and it’s ugly.

The Annoying Girl

Just like the hot girl there are only a few of them ususally at each crag. They are just happy to be a rock climber. They think it’s the best thing on earth and they aren’t afraid to tell you about it. They have stickers on their nalgenes and Prana tank tops and one time they saw a Jason Kehl slideshow. They’ve climbed 5.10 of course but they know that’s not that great. They are just getting into leading and really want someone to teach them.
Attributes: Shiny draws they’ve never used, climbing specific clothing, an open spewing mouth full of climbing bullshit, shrill voice, the guys that gave up on the Token Hottie climbing around.
How to handle: Just don’t talk to her. They’re mostly A.D.D. If you show no interest in them they’ll just move onto the next boy or they’ll just keep talking while you continue to not listen.

The Tech Freak (AKA THE GEAR DIVA)

They love gear and they want to tell you all about it. Whether it’s their new set of Master Cams, new R1 or the new dry coating a rope might have, they have it and they want to tell you about it. They especially want you to know the materials. It’s amazing they even know this stuff.
Attributes: Brand new shiny gear, confidence in their brand new shiny gear, no dirt on their clothes, usually leading something they’ve led 1000 times.
How to handle: Ask them about their gear. It’s usually entertaining and on the whole their new stuff doesn’t help them climb any harder, but i’m always interested to see their logic. Humor them for a while then ignore them.

Loud and Proud

These guys. They are great. They are usually the ones that suffer the wrath of the Humble Pie, but when there isn’t one of those around they’re just annoying. They talk a lot about what they’ve done. They want to be the center of attention and they’ll talk just loud enough to get you to notice. Usually These are the one’s trying to talk with the Token Hottie, but we all know it’d be better for everyone if they’d just hit up the Annoying Girl. They’ve done the route you’re doing. They know the beta, and “bro if you want it he’ll spray you down.” He knows how hard the high step is going for the pocket on the 13a/b. He hasn’t sent yet but he soon will.
Attributes: Beta Spew, wears harness EVERYWHERE, rope always below a hard project where he constantly will fall at the crux or conveniently before a spooky section
How to Handle: The best way to treat Loud and Proud is to waltz right up to his project and tie in. While you’re putting on your shoes he’ll tell you he’s been working on it for x long and has the beta if you want it. Just say “no.” Then hike it. If you don’t hike it, give up and take his beta and validate his existence just a little more and next time find a Loud and Proud who’s project you can actually send jackass.

The I’ve-Done-That

These guys are a lot like the Loud and Proud only they are a bit more reserved about their spray. They think they are being humble but they’re not. You find them a lot in Rifle actually. They love it when you mention a route because of course they’ve done it. They are constant one-uppers, but you have you engage them. They won’t just spray unsolicited which makes them like a breed of passive aggressive shit sticks.
Attributes: nothing, they are like wolves in sheep’s clothing, secret beta ninjas that lay in wait. Sneaky fucks. They drink beer in the Arsenal parking lot usually.
How to handle: You can’t! They’re sneaky fucks! You just have to deal with it!

The Girlfriend That Doesn’t Climb

Dejected and alone, they just sit with their head down occasionally looking up at the route their boyfriend is doing. This is all they do, and nothing else. One day a weekend she gets dragged out to “spend time” with her boyfriend while he climbs and she looks bored.
Attributes: Often sitting on a log reading Twilight or trashy magazine. Also identified by getting a kiss from her boyfriend every time he returns to the ground from a route.
How to Handle: Dudes. DON’T EVEN TRY. They are sick enough from climbing bullshit anyway. They aren’t impressed by you. They don’t care. They’ve seen enough ripped guys climbing around her that she will certainly not be phased when you take your shirt off and display your sculpted pecs. She loves her man well enough to come watch him climb for 8 hours a day you can bet she’s not there to look around. Get over it.

The Humble Pie

This homie will make you feel like shit. He/she does it effortlessly without words. They walk up to whatever you’re doing, quietly ask for a turn on the route/boulder then completely piss all over it. Then they don’t say anything and walk away. If you stop them and ask them how it was, or if they’d done it before they always say that was onsight. Because it was. They will steal your girlfriend and crush your spirit and that’s just good for everyone sometimes because she was a slut anyway.
Attributes: On the sharp end of the rope walking everything they touch. Silent and very kind. Not you or me.
How to handle: Sit back and take a bite of Humble Pie. It’s about all you can do. But if you just can’t swallow that pride. Tell them there’s a big line on your project and leave before they send it and make you feel completely worthless.

The Elitist

They climb in a much better style than you and they are not afraid to say it. If you’re climbing a sport route that has a small crack near the 4th bolt you better believe you’ll hear about how it shouldn’t be there and this route could at least be mixed. You know though when they climb it they’ll be clipping the bolt anwyay. They suck, they aren’t fun to drink with and they are serious about that whole “mountains being their church” thing. Often they will be alpinists. They hate sport climbing and bouldering but at least “bouldering is pure.” In the end they don’t realize that all they do is climb rocks.
Attributes: Usually whining or pining about something or telling you about their epic adventure on Mt. Baker.
How to handle: Punch them straight in the mouth as soon as they open it with another opinionated piece of elitist bullshit.

The Tourist

These are the people visiting your crag from out of town. They’ve never been here before and they want the “beta.” What routes are must-do? Can I borrow your guidebook? Have you climbed this one? can I bother you with even more stupid questions and ruin your day of solitude climbing with your friends?
Attributes: A look about them that annoys you just seeing it, constantly asking questions, looking in your guidebook
How to handle: My favorite is to send them up the worst, hard to protect 5.9+R in the area and listen to what they tell me about it afterward.

Phil Schaal in Hartford, CT.

Phil Schaal’s been killing it recently. In the past year alone, this Connecticut climber has ticked 15 V13s, including some rare repeats of hard East Coast lines—The Book of Bitter Aspects (V13) in Bradley, Conn., Agent Orange (V13) in the Gunks, and the Chelsea Smile (V13), Ty Landman’s new sit start to Divine Providence in Lincoln Woods.

But pissing on hard blocs hasn’t come easy for Phil, who’s gone from struggling to do a single pull-up (OK that was awhile ago) to world-class send status. His secret? Pure determination.

Phil ranks Roses and Bluejays in Great Barrington, Mass., among the best problems on the East Coast. “The rock is amazing, really fine-grain granite, kinda crimpy. It’s a pretty standout line. It’s seen a lot of ascents but as far as East Coast quality it’s probably top three. Chelsea Smile you get on and it’s like ‘Ow it hurts’.”

Phil’s boulder-crushing rampage is about to pick up speed as he heads for Colorado’s high alpine gems this summer.

Phil Schaal—Bradley

C-Note: You just climbed your first 5.14, Supernova, how’s it feel?

Phil: Yeah, my first four-bolt 5.14. It was long overdue. I tried Supernova a lot like three years ago and kept falling on the last move. This time I nailed it. It felt good finally to get that confirmed 5.14.

C-Note: Yeah, you made it look pretty easy.

Phil: I was pretty stoked. I would have been upset if it felt the same as three years ago.

Phil sends Supernova in Rumney, NH.

C-Note: How did you start climbing?

Phil: I started climbing when I was 15 in the gym. I couldn’t even do a pull-up. 5.9 was a challenge. I remember just barely getting to the top of this slightly steep wall, using all the holds and stemming on the other wall, and it was only like 18 feet tall.

C-Note: So, you’ve definitely improved since then…

Phil: Yeah. I’ve definitely improved since then. The first year and a half I just climbed so much. I got the point where I could do 20 pull-ups. After two solid years I could climb 5.12. Just out of pure tenacity—it didn’t come easy.

Phil in Bradley, CT.

C-Note: So what’s the secret to your recent comeback?

Phil: I wouldn’t say a comeback, but I broke through a huge barrier last summer. I think a lot of it was strategic. I definitely feel stronger, but it’s not like night and day strength. Definitely training, strategy and conservation.

C-Note: What do you mean, conservation?

Phil: I have all these little games I play with myself, little thoughts. I try to relate the skin on my finger tips to my body’s condition. When I wear my skin down til it’s really thin, I know my body’s messed up. So, I try not to let my skin get too damaged. I limit myself to a few tries and stop when I’m still feeling fairly fresh. I try to think about the next day. When I was younger I’d just go at it and get completely devastated, not taking any body conservation into account.

Phil assessing his tips in Lincoln Woods, RI.

C-Note: What’s your mental approach to climbing?

Phil: I’m definitely hard on myself. I don’t really know why. I look for little successes in climbing to make up for the fact that I didn’t have a great success that day. I make smaller goals, just being real realistic with myself. Like today, if I don’t feel so great, but I make a move further, it’s a good day. Looking for incremental success helps me avoid negative thoughts.

C-Note: How do you train?

Phil: My training’s always evolving. There’s not one thing I ever do regularly. Lately, I’ve been climbing 4-5 days in a row with easy days in between. If I’m strategic, I can climb at my limit, fourth and fifth day on. Sixth months ago, I wouldn’t even be able to think of that. I try to do one arms, but I don’t lift weights or anything. I like to campus.  I try to keep my fingers strong on a crimpy problems. And I keep my sessions short, like two hours.

Phil in Bradley, CT.

C-Note: So you don’t really have a routine?

Phil: I kinda feel like, If you get a routine and then something’s off, it can tweak your head. Things will always be changing. I want to climb at my limit under any condition.

C-Note: I hear you’re pretty superstitious, black cats and stuff. Got any climbing rituals?

Phil: Whenever I kick my chalk bag over and chalk spills out everywhere, I usually have a decent day. Like today, I walked up to Satan’s Choice, spilled my chalk all over the slab and I had a pretty good day. I have a lot of little weird things like that. I’m constantly knocking on my forehead to make sure bad things don’t happen to me.

Phil on Satan's Choice in Rumney, NH.

C-Note: What’s your climbing diet?

Phil: I don’t skimp out things. I eat a lot of candy, I’m addicted to sugar—gummy bears, anything gummy. My favorite candy is peanut m&ms, and my favorite Cliff Bar is Banana Nut Bread.

C-Note: How do you balance climbing and real-life responsibilities?

Phil: I’ve definitely sacrificed work and academic ambitions to climb as much as I can. My credit card statement will prove that, but I still feel like it’s worth it. I guess there’s a point I might be in the poorhouse collecting welfare just so I can go climbing.

Phil on Bradley, CT.

C-Note: What about climbing and love?

Phil: My girlfriend, Nikki Keeney, and I have been on the road a lot recently—she loves climbing. When we were in Hueco was working Sex After Death and climbed some other V7s. I like watching her improve and get motivated to climb. It’s fun ‘cuz we’re both into the same thing.

C-Note: So you two are on the bust-ass/road trip cycle?

Phil: Lately we’ve been working a lot but yeah, we kinda live that work- climb, work-climb lifestyle. Having Nikki in my life is a real positive, she’s my psychiatrist when I’m stressing. She’s always there to give me the reality check I need.

C-Note: What’s your home crag?

Phil: Bradley, definitely. It’s 20 min from where I grew up. I was 16 when I started going out there, so it’s been eleven years. I’ve probably spent like 6000 days climbing there, and counting. So many, so many days.

C-Note: East Coast vs West Coast climbing—what’s the difference?

Phil: Climbing in the North East generally isn’t as open as out West. It’s definitely not as accepted in C.T. anyways. People don’t really understand rock climbing that much. I don’t know if it’s just the Hartford area. Bradley, my local bouldering spot has been closed for the past 12 years. And yeah, I’m guilty of trespassing or whatever I’m doing, but I’ll be the first one to admit it. I mean, what the fuck am I supposed to do?

C-Note: Uh, trespass.

Phil: You have to take some risks in the North East. If there’s really nice climbing right off the road and we’re not hurting anyone, sometimes we just go for it. But I guess it’s like that everywhere. And the weather definitely quite unstable.

Phil and Dan Yagmin in Rumney, NH.

C-Note: Do you prefer rope-climbing or bouldering?

Phil: I guess you could say I’m a product of my surroundings. There’s tons of bouldering here in C.T. There’s also good trad climbing that’s kind of scary. I used to guide for EMS in the Gunks. I really like trad climbing and I love sport climbing but Rumney is so far away.

C-Note: Who has influenced your climbing the most?

Phil: Climbing with Ty Landman and Nick Sherman on Robyn and Theo’s wall last year definitely made me stronger. Climbing with a bunch of different talented climbers really helps, pulling motivation, watching how other people train. In Boulder, there are a lot of people really serious about training. Climbing with Ty over the past couple years has been really motivating, but I don’t wanna give him too much credit.

C-Note: Future plans?

Phil: Return visit to Boulder looks positive. I’d like to see if I could do Jade, the Diamond would be fun too. I’d like to at least visit Rifle, never been. I just wanna kinda get back to that Rocky Mountain High.

Phil and Dan Yagmin leaving Bradley, CT.

Phil, Hartford, CT.

and here’s your video. Enjoy Seth McFarland’s Calvelcade of Cartoon Comedy

Step 1: Preparation

Guys: You’re gonna want to drive. Not for any other reason but to show you have enough money to pay for gas. This is why I can’t get dates. I can’t pay for gas (or food, or… anything). Also buy a lot of snack foods. You have to paint yourself as a picture of preparedness. On the same token, do not bring a mirror/waterproofmatches/whistle/compass emergency kit combo to a place like Rifle in attempt to look safe and prepared. You’ll just look like an idiot.

Girls: No matter how dilapidated his car might be when he picks you up just grunt and bear it. Remember, he’s doing this for you, so be open to broken down overheating, leaking oil, no air conditioner/heater adventure. It shows you’re easy going. If you can’t belay, don’t let him take you on a rope climbing trip. PLEASE. Go bouldering so he’s not sweating bullets 60 feet off the deck while you short rope, euro slack and load the Grigri backwards. We kick the shit out of our guy friends for that kind of thing don’t make us.

Step 2: Location, Location, Location

Guys: It’s wise to pick a place you’ve been before and even better to pick a place where you have every route wired into complete submission. There are multiple reasons for this. 1. You don’t want to get lost with your new date you’re trying to impress. 2. You don’t want to get shut down on every route you try with your new date your trying to impress. 3. This trip isn’t about about climbing homie, it’s about impressing that new date that you’re trying to…impress. You gotta look hot. I mean look at that raven haired man to the left.  Bonus points if you can find a crag she’ll certainly want to project at so you can lock in that coveted second date…

Girls: He’s going to take you to a place he’s been before in attempts to impress you. Do not let him impress you. Onsight everything on the wall if you can and make him clean each route. He owes you that for driving you to his shitty outside gym wall in his shitty car with his shitty snack foods and shitty gear. If you wear something hot without a doubt there will be a higher chance of him doing things like this for you. If he seems weary shed a shirt or a tank top until he accepts and tends to your every need.

Step 3: The Approach

Guys: Now fellas, if you were smart you would have picked a fairly remote cliff so you can enjoy a wonderful little jaunt into the wilderness. Also you want a remote cliff so you don’t get embarrassed by all the other hard climbers who will undoubtedly be there showing you up and stealing your woman. On the hike, make sure to walk slow enough that you can talk comfortably. Be sure to discuss anything but climbing. I promise she’s not impressed with the 12′s you’ve climbed. She won’t even be impressed by the 13′s you may have climbed. The wisest thing to do is ask questions. Lots of questions. You know that part in 40 year-old Virgin where Seth Rogan tells Steve Carell to only ask questions? Remember how well that worked? Go For it.

Girls: Bring one of these. Make him carry you up the hill to the rocks. blahblahlfdska;fdnsakfd afdksajfkdjsaklf dsakjfdslakjfds aklfjdsklajf dsdjsakfjdksaj  fdjkasljflkdsaj fdsa lkjfds alkj kfl dlasj lkaj lkdj fdjas lkjla kjfld jsalk lkakjd jfdkaj ldja lkfdjs alkjfd laskj ldfkj aljf dlsakj fldkj lfkdja lkjalk jkdj fld kjs aklj lkaj dlkjf dslakj lkajdlkj fdljsa lkj lakj dl jfdlkjjlkd saljkf dsajlk fdsalj fdlaj lak sdf jlkfds alkjfdsal kj fldkjsalkjl ksdjlkfj ldsjalkj aslkjfdlsk ajasdlkjfdddkdkdjfkd;akjfd;jakjdas kfjdlakjdf a fdjklajfdklaj fdlsak fdjalk fdsalk fdska jlkjkfda jkd fkdjfk lkdj dlkj dlkjlskj sldkdjf dlkj

Step 4: The Warm Up

Guys: I told you to pick a crag you had everything wired at. So go ahead and hang the draws on the 13a/b that you did 6 months ago, but try not to dog. That’s not impressive. Make sure to include a joke about how you’re getting beLAYed on your first date. jdslakfjdlsajlkfjdlskajlkfdjslakjlksjdlkfj dlkasj lskjda flkjdsalkj fdslakjlksdjlk fdjsaklj d jfdkjd kdjksaj kja kjd askj ka jlskdj flkdjsa lja lk sdjjl fdjsa lkjas dklj j fdlsaj lkjas dljf dlsja ljasl dkjf dslja kjfdl salkjlskaksdj fjdksa lkjda lkjsd fj fdlsakjlak jdlkj fdjs a fjdklsaj fldksaj lfdja lkdjlkakjd kdlj flkj dlkj dlkjfdl kdjf lkdj fdlj lskj slkd fjldkj slj fdlj lskj ldjf dlkj lksj dlfj lksj dlkj fdlkj dlkfj ldkj fdlskj slkjd flkj sdlj fdslj sldkfj lkj sdlkj slj lskjdf lkjs lfj kjsd fljslkfjds lfj sd

Girls: He’s going to dog up something harder than he can actually climb. When he makes a nervous joke about beLAYing on the first date to fill space while he’s hanging on bolts make sure to make his next fall a long one… jf d adjs aljfd aslkj lkjd fljd kljs lkjslkdj fl fdlksja lakjsd klfj dldjsl ajl ksajdfl kdjsa lkfdlsakj alskdjl kfjd lksajl asdjlkf dlskaj lakjsdl fjdsa jaslkd fkldljas lksjalksd jdsa ljaslkd jfldksja lkasjd lfjsjlalskdjf dlskaj llakjsdl jfds lajlkfjds laljdslaj fldj sal jfdslakj dlsajl lakslkdj flsdajl ksjdfl aslj lsalkj sdaflkj dsalj fdlskaj fdsafj dslakj fldjsa lkfdjsal kjfdslka lkjfkdsj alkfdjs aljfd slakjf dlsakj fldksja ljdskal fdlja fdlkaj fdlsak jfdslaj fdslaj fdslakj fdslakj fdslaj fdslakj fdsalk fdsaljf dsalkjfds alkfjd salk fdsaj

Step 5: The Rest of the Climbing Day

Boys: By now it’s probably obvious how badass of a climber you are, how witty you are, and how prepared and caring you are. During one of your food breaks make mention of how you could “totally murder a crunchy nut brown microbrew brah” and how you’ll even buy her an Appletini for post climbing drinks. Everyone knows women don’t like beer right? Especially good beer brah that’s meant for men.  fdjlsak jfdlksaj lkj alsjd lfkjds alkj lfdkjsa lkjdlsajlk jsdlkj slakj lieai nfdlisalij fdlsai j lifdj saljfd salkja sdlj fdlsaj lias djlfj dsaj fdlkjsa fjdlska jfldksaj fldkjsa lfkdjsa lkfjdsa lkfjdsal jfdslakj fdlskja fldksja lfkdjsal kfdsaj fdlskaj fldksja l

Girls: At some point in the day he’ll want to take you out for after-climbing drinkathon. Take him up on it certainly if just for the free drinks, but be sure to text some of your bigger, harder-climbing boy friends to come hang out just to a) piss off your date b) intimidate him c) watch him squirm. At least try to get some entertainment out of your dismal drunk date. Best case is he becomes too obsessed with how much harder your friends climb and starts ignoring you to talk to them about their projies.  fdljsal kjfdslakj lsakjd lfjd lsakj lfkdjsa ljfdlsa jlksjdl kjfld skjalkj alsjdl fkjdlsaf djsakl fdjslak jfdlskaj fldksja lfdsa

Step 6: The Aftermath

Guys: Went pretty well huh? She had fun. She must have had loads of it because she’s going for drinks with you. Oh wait, why did she invite those guys? Well whatever you’re still buying the drinks that’s got to count for something right? Don’t forget to try to lock down another date with her. Hopefully you found  a crag that cliff that she would want to go back to. She onsighted everything? Tough luck kid. You are now required to do what every man in your situation is supposed to do, and ask her out again. Never Say Die! fjd slkaj fldkjsal kjsdlkj fldjsa lkjfdl sakjlkfjd slakjlfdkjsal kjlaskdj lkfjd slaj lfdkjsal jfld

Girls: Went pretty well huh? He was miserable because you managed to shred every last bit of pride he let burst from his puffed up chest. Good for you. When he asks you out again, your first instinct is going to be a quick “no thanks,” but I would encourage you to go again. Next time you pick the crag, the food, and drive, but make him pay again for everything. I promise he will. Just a whiff of climbing girls will send any testosterone grunt master into a fit of joy. You’re required to do what every woman in your situation is supposed to do, take advantage of our complete lack of awareness and exploit us to the bitter end.

Who knows maybe eventually we’ll wise up and do something right, besides he was kinda cute when you, for your own amusement, made him flake the rope four times in a row because you were “scared of coreshots.”

What’s the hardest part about sport climbing?

Telling your parents you’re gay

What do Rifle climbers and hookers have in common?

They’re both good on their knees

What do climbers and prostitutes have in common?

They both spread their legs and trust the rubber

What’s the difference between boulderers and gorillas?

Gorillas have social skills

What do Hugh Hephner and aid climbers have in common?

They both need gear to get up

Alright that’s all we got. Make sure and comment your joke to win some free stuff from Organic!

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