Oh you know them when you see them. And if you don’t know the ways to identify them there is a really good chance you ARE the bumbler.

1. Janglies

I don’t know how else to describe these things. They’ve always got them. It’s like little pieces of flair they attach to their harnesses and or backpacks. None of it is useful too. Like they’ll take an extra locking biner up a sport route, or their grigri. Or they decorate their school bags with carabiners and Nalgenes. Carabiners are not accessories! I know because I have one as a keychain. Instead of Occam’s razor I’m going to start calling it Sharma’s razor. Cut out everything that isn’t totally necessary e.g. get rid of the daisy chain thong. Really.

2. Deathwish

Why do you insist on standing underneath others while they are bouldering? Why do you insist on walking around in the gym oblivious to those climbing above you? Why do you walk around with that blank look on your face that really reveals what a lost cause implementing common sense will be?

3. Beta spray

Have you ever noticed how the beta being shouted at you is usually coming from the most unqualified giver? I know they (me) just shout it because they’re so damn excited to see someone climbing anything, but really do we have to hear it? It’s not even helpful. Unless of course you’re shouting bad beta because you want them to fall. Then it’s an entirely new category. These people are called haters. And they are very very small people (again… me).

4. Umbro shorts

I don’t know how or when this trend started. It once was cool to climb in little tiny shorts. We saw people like John Long wearing these things in old pictures. John Long can do it both because he had big balls and because half the time he wasn’t wearing a harness that framed said balls into a nice little package. Unless you’re applying for CCGOTW please put on something more substantial so when you’re inevitably hanging from the red-taped problem at the gym we don’t have to suffer your poor wardrobe selection.

5. Finds partners on Mountain project/rockclimbing.com

Why. On. Earth. For real. I don’t trust many of my friends to take me up “the edge.” So be wary when you see a request for partners that looks like this: “Hey, in town for a couple days. Have rack and rope. Looking for partners Lead up to 5.10 and follow 5.14b. Trad experience but would love a tour. Psyched to meet in the parking lot or the first time ever, entrust my life to you for a day mr. total stranger, and head out for a few pitches.”

Stay far far away.

6. Crack climbing in the gym

Ever met someone who was just a little too psyched to get “jamming milage” in the gym? Don’t get me wrong I think crack skills are fully a wonderful thing to possess but I’m not certain the gym is the place to obtain them… I’m especially not sure if you really need to be taping up to do it.

FLORESCENT PETZL

What you think this says about you: I’m a young hot sport climber. I climb so hard I might be sponsored if I’m not I’m certainly going to be. I’m a person you probably want to meet. I’m fun and love wearing the latest fashunz.
What it really says about you: a) I’m kind of a douche b) I’m poor and I got this for free from my sponsored friend.  c) I am a pro climber and you should fucking know who I am.
Quote you might hear from this climber: “IMA PROFESSIONAL! JJJYYYEEEAHHHH!!!”
Most frequented crags: Rifle, Red River Gorge, Ceuse, Southern Utah, The Boulder Rock Club
Good for: Pro climbers, wannabe pro climbers, friends of pro climbers, looking like an ass

METOLIUS SAFE TECH

What you think this says about you: I don’t mind dropping a little extra cash for my safety. You can trust me when climbing because obviously I value a day of climbing the leaves my partner and me injury free.
What it really says about you: I might tie in through my leg loop because I’m an idiot. Luckily, this harness will save me from myself.
Quote you might hear from this climber: “No for real I could tie into my haul loop, factor two fall, and still be alright. This thing is awesome.”
Most frequented crags: Indian Creek, That place in Minnesota where people only toprope
Good for: Idiots, climbing under the influence

BLACK DIAMOND FANCY NEW THING

What you think this says about you: I value comfort and reliability. Climbing is one of my favorite things so I like to have nice things when I do it.
What it really says about you: I have a better harness than you therefore I am a better climber than you.
Quote you might hear from this climber: “Yeah for sure bro. I’ll catch you on my warm-up, but then can I get a belay on my proj in the Arsenal and then a cool down lap on Spray-a-thon?”
Most frequented crags: Rifle, Eldo (Rincon Wall)
Good for: Trying to look badass, projecting, rich kids

ADJUSTABLE LEG LOOPS

What you think this says about you: I am a rock climber and that is insatiably cool. Respect me.
What it really says about you: I use an ATC and don’t quite know what a “soft” catch is yet. I thought I’m supposed to make the fall as short as possible.
Quote you might hear from this climber: “I climbed an 11d/12a. I did it on toprope, but I mean it was really hard. Like really hard. I didn’t fall and there was slack in the rope the WHOLE way.”
Most frequented crags: Fucking everywhere. Kill me.
Good for: College kids, Gumbies, gym climbers, people with fat legs, people with big pants

ALPINE BOD

What you think this says about you: I LOVE rock climbing! And being outside. I am also into Sport Rappelling!
What it really says about you: I have no idea what rock climbing is and I obviously don’t care. Aussie style to the MAXXXIMUM!
Quote you might hear from this climber: “UP ROPE!!! GEEZE!”
Most frequented crags: Anywhere top roping is easily accessible, gyms
Good for: Gumbies who don’t know any better, the forever single

EXTRA BELAY LOOP/CORD

What you think this says about you: I am safe. Very safe. It’s just a backup.
What it really says about you: I’m worried this 50kN belay loop could break and I’ll have this tiny cord to catch me when it does.
Quote you might hear from this climber: “I took eight prozac this morning… it’s still not working…”
Most frequented crags: Easy multipitch belay/rappel stations,
Good for: the nervous, the neurotic, the anxious

DAISYCHAIN THONG

What you think this says about you: Of course I’m a lead climber. I lead climb like a pro because I know how to clean anchors with this thing.
What it really says about you: a) I wear white brief underwear with racecars. b) I’m a virgin. c) As you can see I have a chalkbag on a biner. d) my nalgene has climbing stickers and is also attached to my backpack with a biner.
Quote you might hear from this climber: “Dude, I totally got these shoes on pro deal. I could probably get you some. Pretty rad huh?
Most frequented crags: The New River Gorge, Horseshoe Canyon Ranch
Good for: No one.

SWAMI BELT

What you think this says about you: I’m a fucking badass.
What it really says about you: I’m a fucking badass.
Quote you might hear from this climber: “I’m a fucking badass.
Most frequented crag: The Gunks, the Needles, fucking badass crags
Good for: Henry Barber, other mustachioed fucking badasses

We climbed a route called something wick I’m not really sure. It doesn’t even really matter I suppose.

It is rated 5.7G. For those of you that don’t know anything about climbing or climbing grades that means it’s easy, has big holds and an abundance of available crack placements. I thought that this would be a wonderful warm up. To some degree I was right. It was a great warm up that kept me on the sharp end for close to an hour.

The climb started out normally. It was a nice day out. Not too cold not too hot. I racked up with a variety of cams and a set of nuts (which you don’t actually get to use too much in the horizontal ledge systems in the Gunks). I noticed I was slightly nervous as I began climbing for some reason. I figured as soon as I got going and got some gear in I’d be fine. It let off a little, but I was climbing slowly and cautiously for being on a 5.7 jug haul. Well whatever I was thinking. It would be over soon, and then I’d do something else.

After sorting my way and zigging and zagging through a few wet parts I reached a large ledge covered in mud and wet grass. Despite my best efforts to avoid the grass I eventually was saturated. The bottoms of my shoes were soaking wet. my knees, thighs, arms and hands were covered in mud and water. Every hold I reached for was full of water. The chalk was doing nothing but caking in clumps.

I say all this like it’s an excuse. It’s not. The climb was low angle and riddled with large easy to hold onto holds, but I was being a big fat cry baby. I looked left and right for probably 30 minutes on this ledge. climbing up and climbing down climbing left and climbing right. Down climbing, setting a cam, climbing up, deciding that was a bad placement and climbing back down to get it only to reset it somewhere else. I was doing that because it was my absolute last piece of gear, and the next one down was about 15 feet away and I still had 20 feet of dripping stone left to climb. I fixed my eyes on this tree on a ledge and tried everything. I had a large sling left and a locker so this was basically my only option.

I was not interested in slipping off going for the tree, falling, hitting the ledge 20 feet below, breaking my legs and then cascading down the rest of the climbing until (hopefully) one of my pieces caught me. Well, at least I wasn’t interested in doing that on a 5.7.

Eventually I got to the tree. I immediately looped the tree, clipped in and lit a cigarette. I pulled Kevin up to me who made the climb look like walking up stairs. Kevin and everyone below gave me a hard time for making the climb last so long.

I did what any self-respecting climber does in this situation. Went bouldering for the rest of the day.

Moral: Even the P&C crew can be gumbies on occasion.

I was climbing at High Wire crag yesterday, an area typically known for its easier routes, all day sun, and sometimes gumby epics. I was witness to the latter. My leisure Saturday morning warm up turned into a near anxiety attack as I watched this fool nearly kill himself. First off, I should have been leery from the get go when I saw that two climbers of this party of three had soloed up to the first bolt of a long 125ft 10b so one of them could set up a hanging belay off this one bolt. Not an ideal situation. As goon climber numero uno heads off into 10b land his belayer, hanging there like an idiot from this iridescent red cord, is starring right at me. Maybe it was my newly purchased vintage yellow track jacket or hair blowing in the breeze, but whatever it was he was more concentrated on me than on his climber, who by this time was yelling at the top of his lungs, “TAKE!” I actually had to motion to hanging belay boy that his climber wanted him to take the slack in the line. He came to after much waving and yelling and proceeded with his belaying duty. My mind wondered from the gumby scene to the plan set out for the day, to the girl I am too scared to ask out, and to the looming taxman axe that is about to chop me in half. I was snapped out of this daydream montage by crew member Eli, “Adam, look at this shit!” As a glanced back over to noobland on the 10b, I saw that goon climber #1 had gotten off route and runout. Not just a little runout, like 10 or 15 feet, no no, goon climber had abandoned his 10b proj and decided to step it up to the 11d route that was to the right. So here is goon #1 slightly overhung, hanging off a sloper rail at least 30+ feet above his last quickdraw, or clippy thing as he would probably refer to it, feet skating every now and again, and totally gripped. Now, to get the full picture you need to realize that hanging belay boy really doesn’t know what is going on because he is out of view. And while we are screaming at goon climber to make a move, downclimb, do something, belay boy thinks his superstar, camelback toting, hardman up there is actually rockclimbing well. Not so much.

From the nature of this new link up that goon has fashioned he is going to take a big pendulum swing smack dab into a blunt arete 60 feet below. All you really need to envision is that goon is seriously FUCKED! If this guy doesn’t die from severe head trauma, he is going to be in the hospital for a very very long time. Somehow, to our surprise, this kid manges to hang off this sloper and clip a draw to a high bolt on the 11d. We thought, oh good, this dude is going to make the clip, maybe hang and lower. Oh no, goon is too pumped to make the clip. After trying to pull up rope no less than 4 times he decides to grab the draw and granny clip. Bad idea! Goon is not strong enough at this point to even hang on the draw, things are looking grim, real grim. I have never felt so anxious watching someone climb, but I couldn’t take my eyes off this dude, I would have bet $500 that a rescue was imminent. Somehow the Gods of rockclimbing and everything good and pure showed mercy to goon and he miraculously was able to take his hand off the draw, match on the sloper again, and somehow reverse these moves to a small ledge 20ft below. Sigh. I was relived and angry, WTF was this kid thinking? Oh, and by the way, there was a belayer switch after goon rested on the ledge for 20 minutes, and yes, they only had a 60m rope. Not far enough folks. Goon finally finished his 10b and had to be lowered to another route, clip in to a bolt, blah blah, just more epic than I really want to write about now. Let’s just say the rescue involved gulley solos, daisy chains, and that damn iridescent red cord.

I talked to goon climber #1 for a while after he was safely on the ground, he knew that I knew that he was gumby, that the whole crag knew he was a gumby. Despite the fact that he was wearing a slightly worn pair of Women’s Miuras (En Vouge for men now), petzl harness, and some rockclimbing t-shirt, he knew he couldn’t hide his gumbiness. This is what clinched it, he asked me, “So, do you have the new Castlewood Creek Canyon guidebook here?” My response, “No dude, I don’t, but I have the new Clear Creek Canyon guidebook.” It helps to know what part of the state you are climbing in sometimes.

So, the moral of the story is know your shit before you launch into or onto a rock climb, no matter what level of difficulty it is. You WILL be a gumby for some time, you WILL get made fun of, you WILL wear a red helmet (also part of the story I forgot to mention), and you WILL get better, but it just takes time. Maybe one day you can even be as cool as Andrew, Arnold and myself. Safety starts with you and me.

to wit. anatomy lesson: