FLORESCENT PETZL

What you think this says about you: I’m a young hot sport climber. I climb so hard I might be sponsored if I’m not I’m certainly going to be. I’m a person you probably want to meet. I’m fun and love wearing the latest fashunz.
What it really says about you: a) I’m kind of a douche b) I’m poor and I got this for free from my sponsored friend.  c) I am a pro climber and you should fucking know who I am.
Quote you might hear from this climber: “IMA PROFESSIONAL! JJJYYYEEEAHHHH!!!”
Most frequented crags: Rifle, Red River Gorge, Ceuse, Southern Utah, The Boulder Rock Club
Good for: Pro climbers, wannabe pro climbers, friends of pro climbers, looking like an ass

METOLIUS SAFE TECH

What you think this says about you: I don’t mind dropping a little extra cash for my safety. You can trust me when climbing because obviously I value a day of climbing the leaves my partner and me injury free.
What it really says about you: I might tie in through my leg loop because I’m an idiot. Luckily, this harness will save me from myself.
Quote you might hear from this climber: “No for real I could tie into my haul loop, factor two fall, and still be alright. This thing is awesome.”
Most frequented crags: Indian Creek, That place in Minnesota where people only toprope
Good for: Idiots, climbing under the influence

BLACK DIAMOND FANCY NEW THING

What you think this says about you: I value comfort and reliability. Climbing is one of my favorite things so I like to have nice things when I do it.
What it really says about you: I have a better harness than you therefore I am a better climber than you.
Quote you might hear from this climber: “Yeah for sure bro. I’ll catch you on my warm-up, but then can I get a belay on my proj in the Arsenal and then a cool down lap on Spray-a-thon?”
Most frequented crags: Rifle, Eldo (Rincon Wall)
Good for: Trying to look badass, projecting, rich kids

ADJUSTABLE LEG LOOPS

What you think this says about you: I am a rock climber and that is insatiably cool. Respect me.
What it really says about you: I use an ATC and don’t quite know what a “soft” catch is yet. I thought I’m supposed to make the fall as short as possible.
Quote you might hear from this climber: “I climbed an 11d/12a. I did it on toprope, but I mean it was really hard. Like really hard. I didn’t fall and there was slack in the rope the WHOLE way.”
Most frequented crags: Fucking everywhere. Kill me.
Good for: College kids, Gumbies, gym climbers, people with fat legs, people with big pants

ALPINE BOD

What you think this says about you: I LOVE rock climbing! And being outside. I am also into Sport Rappelling!
What it really says about you: I have no idea what rock climbing is and I obviously don’t care. Aussie style to the MAXXXIMUM!
Quote you might hear from this climber: “UP ROPE!!! GEEZE!”
Most frequented crags: Anywhere top roping is easily accessible, gyms
Good for: Gumbies who don’t know any better, the forever single

EXTRA BELAY LOOP/CORD

What you think this says about you: I am safe. Very safe. It’s just a backup.
What it really says about you: I’m worried this 50kN belay loop could break and I’ll have this tiny cord to catch me when it does.
Quote you might hear from this climber: “I took eight prozac this morning… it’s still not working…”
Most frequented crags: Easy multipitch belay/rappel stations,
Good for: the nervous, the neurotic, the anxious

DAISYCHAIN THONG

What you think this says about you: Of course I’m a lead climber. I lead climb like a pro because I know how to clean anchors with this thing.
What it really says about you: a) I wear white brief underwear with racecars. b) I’m a virgin. c) As you can see I have a chalkbag on a biner. d) my nalgene has climbing stickers and is also attached to my backpack with a biner.
Quote you might hear from this climber: “Dude, I totally got these shoes on pro deal. I could probably get you some. Pretty rad huh?
Most frequented crags: The New River Gorge, Horseshoe Canyon Ranch
Good for: No one.

SWAMI BELT

What you think this says about you: I’m a fucking badass.
What it really says about you: I’m a fucking badass.
Quote you might hear from this climber: “I’m a fucking badass.
Most frequented crag: The Gunks, the Needles, fucking badass crags
Good for: Henry Barber, other mustachioed fucking badasses