Archive for March, 2008
Local Yokals
It seems that we always hear about the same big names of climbing sending V-impossible or 5.-ridiculous, and although that is very newsworthy it is also nice to hear about the local scene. In this crazy front range land hardmen and women seem to be abundant. The sport climbing and bouldering scene broods with sexy bodies climbing all kinds of hard bolt-clipping lines from Shelf Road to Boulder Canyon to Rifle.
Also check out all the amazing gear deals on Cass’s website: The Climb Shop
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LINK ME MONDAY
Oh Mondays. You know? i don’t actually hate Mondays. I don’t particularly like them, but I don’t think they are too awful. Since, however, most people go to work, contribute to society, aren’t pinko bitchy babies who want things handed to them, Mondays can be a pain in the ass.
So in honor of Morose Monday’s I’m going to dump link after link onto this page for you to sift through. Some funny, most entertaining, and all something that I enjoyed today while wasting time at work. Enjoy.
FOOT FIST WAY
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The Occasion of the Noob
Calling all Noobs, Gumbies, and Greenhorn climbers! Attention: Whatever attempts you make to mask your beginner status are undoubtedly going to fail one hundred percent. Its okay, you are new to climbing, you don’t know what you are doing, your foot work sucks, you are weak, and you are probably wearing a backpack while thrutching on some 5.8. Embrace it. These are the years where you are learning your craft. Although you have probably seen King Lines 25 times and have become fluent in climber lingo from long hours on forums and such, we can see through your thin skin, you are a Gumby. We have all been there, you do stupid stuff when you are new to climbing. You act like you know what is going on in some sort of ego-minded pride, but you probably don’t know a clove hitch from muenter.
I was climbing at High Wire crag yesterday, an area typically known for its easier routes, all day sun, and sometimes gumby epics. I was witness to the latter. My leisure Saturday morning warm up turned into a near anxiety attack as I watched this fool nearly kill himself. First off, I should have been leery from the get go when I saw that two climbers of this party of three had soloed up to the first bolt of a long 125ft 10b so one of them could set up a hanging belay off this one bolt. Not an ideal situation. As goon climber numero uno heads off into 10b land his belayer, hanging there like an idiot from this iridescent red cord, is starring right at me. Maybe it was my newly purchased vintage yellow track jacket or hair blowing in the breeze, but whatever it was he was more concentrated on me than on his climber, who by this time was yelling at the top of his lungs, “TAKE!” I actually had to motion to hanging belay boy that his climber wanted him to take the slack in the line. He came to after much waving and yelling and proceeded with his belaying duty. My mind wondered from the gumby scene to the plan set out for the day, to the girl I am too scared to ask out, and to the looming taxman axe that is about to chop me in half. I was snapped out of this daydream montage by crew member Eli, “Adam, look at this shit!” As a glanced back over to noobland on the 10b, I saw that goon climber #1 had gotten off route and runout. Not just a little runout, like 10 or 15 feet, no no, goon climber had abandoned his 10b proj and decided to step it up to the 11d route that was to the right. So here is goon #1 slightly overhung, hanging off a sloper rail at least 30+ feet above his last quickdraw, or clippy thing as he would probably refer to it, feet skating every now and again, and totally gripped. Now, to get the full picture you need to realize that hanging belay boy really doesn’t know what is going on because he is out of view. And while we are screaming at goon climber to make a move, downclimb, do something, belay boy thinks his superstar, camelback toting, hardman up there is actually rockclimbing well. Not so much.
From the nature of this new link up that goon has fashioned he is going to take a big pendulum swing smack dab into a blunt arete 60 feet below. All you really need to envision is that goon is seriously FUCKED! If this guy doesn’t die from severe head trauma, he is going to be in the hospital for a very very long time. Somehow, to our surprise, this kid manges to hang off this sloper and clip a draw to a high bolt on the 11d. We thought, oh good, this dude is going to make the clip, maybe hang and lower. Oh no, goon is too pumped to make the clip. After trying to pull up rope no less than 4 times he decides to grab the draw and granny clip. Bad idea! Goon is not strong enough at this point to even hang on the draw, things are looking grim, real grim. I have never felt so anxious watching someone climb, but I couldn’t take my eyes off this dude, I would have bet $500 that a rescue was imminent. Somehow the Gods of rockclimbing and everything good and pure showed mercy to goon and he miraculously was able to take his hand off the draw, match on the sloper again, and somehow reverse these moves to a small ledge 20ft below. Sigh. I was relived and angry, WTF was this kid thinking? Oh, and by the way, there was a belayer switch after goon rested on the ledge for 20 minutes, and yes, they only had a 60m rope. Not far enough folks. Goon finally finished his 10b and had to be lowered to another route, clip in to a bolt, blah blah, just more epic than I really want to write about now. Let’s just say the rescue involved gulley solos, daisy chains, and that damn iridescent red cord.
I talked to goon climber #1 for a while after he was safely on the ground, he knew that I knew that he was gumby, that the whole crag knew he was a gumby. Despite the fact that he was wearing a slightly worn pair of Women’s Miuras (En Vouge for men now), petzl harness, and some rockclimbing t-shirt, he knew he couldn’t hide his gumbiness. This is what clinched it, he asked me, “So, do you have the new Castlewood Creek Canyon guidebook here?” My response, “No dude, I don’t, but I have the new Clear Creek Canyon guidebook.” It helps to know what part of the state you are climbing in sometimes.
So, the moral of the story is know your shit before you launch into or onto a rock climb, no matter what level of difficulty it is. You WILL be a gumby for some time, you WILL get made fun of, you WILL wear a red helmet (also part of the story I forgot to mention), and you WILL get better, but it just takes time. Maybe one day you can even be as cool as Andrew, Arnold and myself. Safety starts with you and me.
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Cornhusker Cranking
Being flatlanders, we give mucho props to those climbers out there that come from states where the only thing rock is pushed on a street corner across the tracks. Maintaining motivation for climbing hard in these stone deprived states is a challenge that detours most would be hardmen of places like Kansas City, Omaha, and Oklahoma City. Driving hours to the nearest crag for a weekend or a day seems silly now to those of us out west that have quality crags in our backyard, but these certain climbers with industrial size amounts of psyche do it week in and week out to fullfill their needs. One such individual is none other than Nebraskan Chris Rolling.
Chris, his girlfriend Nicole, and our good buddy Lucas Marshall showed up on our doorstep Friday evening, they had just spent 7 hours in the car to come for one route. Chris had set his eyes on Sonic Youth, a 5.13a front range testpiece here in our very own Golden, Colorado. Having been on the route a few times before from random trips to the frange, Chris had his psyche and beta all holstered up and ready to throw down come high noon. We warmed up at High Wire Crag across the river and in the sun, and despite seeing on of the scariest gumby moments of my life (another blog for another time), we packed up and headed over to Sonic. Underneath this grandeous dihedral, the weather was perfect, friction was good, and the energy high. After one little beta jog attempt, some rest, and my flailing ass, Chris pulled the rope and pissed all over one of Colorado’s most sought after 5.13s.
So here’s to you Chris, an official Okie dab for being a flatlander, staying motivated, and cranking the shit out of Sonic. Werd!
photo: lucasmarshall.com
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How to climb 5.12
So you want to climb 5.12. You’ve heard the average dog in Boulder cranks 5.12 in his sleep. Why are you still puttering around 11a? Follow our definitive guide and you’ll be redpointing the super classics like City Slicker.
Stop doing pullups. Lets face it, nobody who climbs 5.12 still thinks pullups are good training. Pullup pansies thrutch their way up 30 foot grid bolted 10+. Doubtless you know some ex-marine who puts in 50 chin ups before breakfast and just redpointed Love Slave. But those people are douchebags. You don’t want to be a douchebag do you?
Sell the Audi. People who climb 5.12 are broke. The fact that you are driving a car worth more than my house means one thing–you are spending too much time working and not enough time climbing. The only exception to this rule is if you inherited a trust fund. May your soul rot in an over bolted chipped roadcut in Texas.
Ipods. 5.12 is hard, which means you are going to need some dirty hip-hop beats to get you amped, psyched, and stoked enough to do it. If you’re afraid that Lil’ wayne is going to ruin your glorious communion with Gaia, give up mutherfucker. You are gey. You will never climb 5.12.
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Women are awesome!
It’s no secret we three pathetic little bloggers hold women in high regard. They are beings to be feared and honored in the highest respects for a number of reasons I won’t dive into.
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Tenets of the Peoples Republic of Boulder
This blog you have stumbled upon will not only amuse, disgust and brood emotions that you didn’t even know existed, but it will also provide you with a serious insiders look into the front range lifestyle. Seriously. We take ourselves with a certain amount of entitlement out here in Colorado-land. Entitlement to what, you may ask? Well, that is why you should read on. Consider rock climbing in all its forms, Boulder is referred to as the center of the universe for all forms of the discipline. From light weight, cut out your tags in your shirt, Mark Twight dick sucking, alpinist types to bare chested, beanie-wearing, pad toting man-boy boulderers to elitist, gear caressing, “Trad is Rad” bumper sticker supporting, Duct-taped Carhartt wearing traditional climbers to the calorie counting, bolt-clipping, hip-hop mesmerized sport climbing crowd.
Mutual respect abounds though, seems that everyone on the front range (frange) can come to terms with a few things, organic everything, democrats, and subarus. These are the pillars of respect that each climber that lives in and around the front range can accept on common terms and mutuality. You may hear something along these lines, Climber 1, “You want to go climbing Friday afternoon?” Climber 2, “Sure where?” #1, “I was thinking of Eldo, there is this really sick (Boulder vernacular) line there that goes at 11cR, what do you think?” #2, “No, I was thinking about Horsetooth or maybe the 420 boulders, does that sound cool with you?” #1, “YOu bouldering pussy!” #2, “I hate you and your tradwankster ethics, ethics are for easy climbs!” #1, “You idiot. Well, do you want to grab a cup of Ethopian, Organic, Fair Trade, Caffeine-free coffee and an Organic Razzleberry Scone from Vic’s?” #2, “Sure, hop in the Subaru. Have you heard about the recent interest rate scandel that George Bush has orchestrated with his band of thugs called the GOP?” And so on, and so on.
So, for those that think they have what it takes to exist in this crazy land of Boulder, take our little quiz to see how boulder you really are.
How often have you thought about your caloric intake in the last week?
A. What the fuck is caloric intake?
B. I document everything I eat on thedailyplate.com
C. I’m strict, I can’t fit into my lycra properly if I don’t keep it under 1000
D. I’m fat and happy, leave me alone.
If you had to choose one road trip CD, would it be:
A. Jay-Z’s Black Album
B. Bob Marley
C. Galactic
D. Any live jam band album
E. Can we smoke pot in the car?
F. Rick Astley
Have you had eaten double quarter-pounder with cheese in the last two weeks?
A. Fast food disgusts me. It is unclean.
B. I actually prefer the BK stackers.
C. I’m vegan, and you’re hateful and cruel.
D. I’ve eaten three today.
What is your dog named after?
A. Peak
B. Retail climbing company/piece of gear
C. Climbing celebrity
D. Climbing move
E. Your mom.
F. His Yorkshire predecessor, Bruno IV
How often do you shop at Whole Foods?
A. Daily
B. I eat their salads because they are yummy in my tummy
C. I eat the WHOLE of any food I eat.
D. What is Whole Foods
What percentage of your diet would you classify as organic?
A. 110%
B. 50%
C. 10%
D. The percent I steal from hippies at the crag
Have you had, do you want, or do you have dreads?
A. Rastafari for life yayo
B. I had dreads in college, I was ugly.
C. I have dreads now. I’m ugly
D. No dreads. Ever. I’m ugly.
How familiar with the Dharma are you?
A. That hot chick from that old sitcom? Wankable!
B. I saw that Chris Rock movie.
C. Very but which Dharma?
D. Hell yeah. It helps me get laid all the time. Dharmeister right here.
Do you aspire to be a master yogi?
A. I watch Rodney Yi. That’s it.
B. I am a master Yogi
C. The bear?
D. To sit atop a mountain spire, performing yoga will make me one with the earth.
Do you drive a Subaru?
A. Yes.
B. No.
C. No but I have a Subaru sticker on my Toyota
D. I’d hurt someone for a Subi
How many plants are in your home?
A. The dead one my girlfriend bought me a year ago.
B. Planet Earth is my home I have a multitude of plants
C. 2
D. 0
E. Does growing my own hash count?
How many stickers are on your car?
A. 0-1
B. 2-4
C. 5-10
D. I can’t see out my back window
How many of those stickers are political or environmental?
A. 0-1
B. 2-4
C. 5-10
D. Gore4lyfe
How much weed do you smoke?
A. I have a medical license yo.
B. I spend at least 50% of the day baked
C. Once or twice a week
D. Every month or two
E. Marijuana is of the devil
If you had two hours to spend on a warm sunny afternoon, would
A. Boulder at flagstaff
B. Rope up in boulder canyon
C. Go to the spot
D. Get drunk and tube boulder creek
Have you ever gone shirtless but still worn a beanie?
A. Yes. Regretfully.
B. No.
C. I can’t take it off! My hair flips out perfectly in a beanie!
D. I don’t own shirts. Just beanies
Were born and raised in Boulder?
A. Yes
B. No, I’m a transplant moved here after college/high school/divorce
C. I live in a box on Pearl Street, I don’t know where I came from, too much acid
D. Well, Gunbarrel. Does that count?
E. No. Never.
Which of the following (and how many) do you currently own?
Carbon frame road bike:
Kayak:
Snowboard/skis:
Climbing rack:
Trekking poles:
Bonus points if they are permanently accessible from your vehicle
Do you own a cruiser/townie
A. Yes
B. No. I drive my truck across the street if its more than one lane wide.
C. No. I ride a fixy.
D. They didn’t build roads for bikes.
Bonus points if its vintage and has a hand woven wicker basket on the front
How often do attend a yoga class?
A. Once a week
B. Twice a week
C. Only when I find out the girl I like is in a yoga class
D. Fuck yoga.
How do you journal?
A. My environmental blog
B. With a very cool journal from B&N in a very public coffee shop
C. Alone, crying, with my blood as ink
D. Huh?
How often do you soul search?
A. Every day I see a Hummer on the road.
B. Every day I get a hummer on the road.
C. When the pipe gets to me
D. I have no soul. I’m from Boulder.
Bonus if its assisted by acid or mescal
Want to go to Nepal?
A. I’ve been three times to help improve the lives of Sherpas
B. Never.
C. I want to go real bad.
D. I have been to Everest Base Camp twice with Summit Adventure Company
Do you have at least one anti-republican or Ralph Nader sticker?
A. Ha Republicans such sad little people.
B. Yes that’s all of my stickers plus one Patagonia sticker
C. I’m a socialist. I’ll admit it.
D. Fuck anyone left of center, and most of the people right of far right.
Have you ever bought non fair trade coffee at Starbucks
A. I don’t drink coffee. It’s impure
B. Yeah if it’s all I have to drink
C. Help others in everything you do. I shun Starbucks.
D. I drink the coffee I get for less than 50 cents.
Does meat make you nauseated?
A. Only when I eat too much of it, which is like 3 pounds.
B. Nah never.
C. Yes, that poor thing had a face before you killed it!
D. Not fish. Everything else is icky.
Do you smoke ciggs?
A. A pack or two a day
B. Yes but only rollies
C. Only on holidays (beer drinkin days)
D. Smoking is still legal?!
Which extended vacation best suits you?
A. Living in the back of my truck/car eating Raman mixed with whatever I have on hand. Rock climbing
B. Beach. Yoga. Hot stone massage. Spas. Oh the life.
C. Rainier bitches.
D. I live in Boulder why would I ever need to go anywhere else
Are you overeducated and underemployed?
A. No.
B. Totally, my philosophy degree should be paying me much more by now.
C. Yes.
Have you ever streaked Pearl Street?
A. No
B. I wish.
C. I had sex in a stairwell. That’s as close as I’ve got.
D. Yes.
Were you jealous when your friends did and you stayed behind?
A. No.
B. Yes. I’m a big baby.
C. Yes. I’m embarrassed of my pee pee.
D. I streaked it. No jealousy.
Do you eat at Hapa at least once a week?
A. Ugh. No.
B. Nah I’m too busy drinking at the downer.
C. I don’t like sushi.
D. Every other day I eat there.
Have you ever marched for peace, stood in a picket line, or stood on the corner with a humanitarian sign?
A. I am right now.
B. Only when they brought free coffee and donuts.
C. I met my girlfriend at a picket line it’s what we do for fun. She has hairy armpits.
D. No. I don’t believe in peace.
Coffee, tecino, or matte?
A. Coffee
B. Tecino.
C. Matte
D. Beer..
Would you describe your granola consumption in an average week in ounces, pounds or kilos?
A. Ounces
B. Pounds
C. Kilos
D. Go fuck ya’self
Do say ciao in casual conversation?
A. Yes
B. No
C. Yes but I’m from a place that speaks that language
D. I’m from Boulder of course I do.
How many pairs of Birkenstocks have you worn through?
A. I own the same pair had em resoled 10 times
B. I own one pair. I never wore through them because I never wore them they are gey.
C. I buy a new pair each time I have 15 pairs.
D. Never bought them. Never will.
Birkenstocks, Chacos, flip flops, or garden clogs?
A. Birks
B. Chacos
C. Flip-flops
D. Garden clogs
E. WTF none.
How many articles of Golite clothing or accessories do you own?
A. What’s Golite?
B. The diarrhea stuff? Oh that’s golightly
C. Everything I love that stuff. It’s so…light!
D. The one free thing I got at a slideshow giveaway at Backwoods.
How early did you show up to the Prana retail store grand opening?
A. Camped out the night before. .
B. Woke up early had to beat the rush.
C. I just came when I work up. No rush.
D. I’ll go some other time. It’s not going anywhere.
E. I work there.
List as many NPR programs as you can:
How long has it been since the alcoholic content of your beer has been less than 5%?
A. College
B. Last week. The liquor store was closed!
C. Now.
D. Never.
bonus if you’re wondering weather I meant % by weight or % by volume
Extra bonus points of you knew what I meant and shotgunned it
Extra Extra bonus points if you don’t give a shit and it was a Budweiser
List as many Colorado micro brews as you can:
Do you have any tattoos in languages you don’t speak?
A. Yes.
B. No.
C. I don’t have any tattoos.
D. It’s in Hebrew/Greek/Latin so it’s okay. At least it’s not in some Asian language…
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suicide
Suppose you decided to commit suicide and you’ve hanged yourself. In the midst of choking to death, you change your mind and decide you want to live. Unfortunately, there’s nothing you can do. Would say “well shit, lets make the best of this situation,” and start jerking off?
But then, somebody walks in on you, both masturbating and killing yourself. Now you really have a reason to commit suicide.
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