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The Accessorized Trad Climber

18 March 2009 2,058 views 8 Comments
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A couple weeks ago, we showed you how to accessorize yourself to look like a seasoned baller boulder. Not to leave anybody out, this week we’re doing the same for you tradsters out there.

The stitch plate: this belay device was invented circa 35 B.C. Although belay devices have come a long way since then, as a trad climber its you job to inform the world that the olden days were the golden days. The easiest way to do this is by using the shittiest belay device ever made.

Duct Tape: For some reason that I will never understand, trad climbers have an affinity for duct tape that is almost as creepy as a mustachioed man winking at five year olds. What they do with this stuff, I’ll never know but what I do know is that to look like a seasoned trad climber, you need to have truck loads of this shit. But here’s the trick: you can’t keep on the roll. You’ve got to stick it to your parka, wrap it around nalgenes and toothbrushes for no apparent reason and use it to patch your carharts. Maybe someday you’ll meet MacGyver and figure some practical uses for this stuff.
Carharts: Trad climbing is all about being a tough guy. Construction job, creepy 5′oclock shadow, and climbing gear thats big enough to inflict a fatal brain hemorrage. Almost nothing can help you affect the tough guy image like a worn pair of double knee Carharts. Bonus points of have a gnarly story about the hole in the ass, preferably about some henious 5.7+ offwidth you TR’ed on a roadcut in South Carolina. 
Wrist Braces: It’s a not so secret secret that people who call themselvs trad climbers dont actually climb. They just post shit on rocklimbing.com all night while masturbating to Parrollelojams. Carpel tunell has crippled a few trad climbers from informing the world that they too regard chipped routes as aid climbs. With this set of wrist braces, you can keep “climbing”, carpel tunnel or not.

Tags: B.C, carharts, duct tape, mustaches, rockclimbing.com, stitch plates,


  • furry said:

    If it hadn’t been for duct tape I would have practically spent the week naked at the Creek all last week…ladies.

    • Mark said:

      .. and ham sandwiches.

      • The Accessorized Trad Climber from Pimpin and Crimpin — All Climbing said:

        [...] and Crimpin has a hilarious post up on the accessorized trad climber. Check it out and I guarantee you’ll laugh! Duct Tape: For some reason that I will never [...]

        • The Accessorized Trad Climber from Pimpin and Crimpin | linkfeedr said:

          [...] to visit the full article on the original website.Pimpin and Crimpin has a hilarious post up on the accessorized trad climber. Check it out and I guarantee you’ll laugh! Duct Tape: For some reason that I will never [...]

          • MIke said:

            How about putting on your harness and a double rack of hexes at camp before you make coffee and breakfast- even on restdays.

            • John said:

              Damn so depressing to discover that I am a walking fuckin’; cartoon, so what the fuck is wrong with mullets, man. and stitch plate, shit we dont need no stinking ‘device’, but we really wear 501′s, that carharts are poser shit. One thing you forgot was Benzoine spray and fighter/gymnist tape, us old school guys use benzoine as a fuckin cologne. And who knows when you might find a gnarly grinder, even on that bolted smear we tape up just in case. because we know the truth, REAL MEN FIST!

              • Chris said:

                Yo Dudes…Old Guys Rock and Rule. Remember that us mullet-headed old farts were doin’ the climbs while you v10/5.16c/xyadayada.000 number sprayers were trying to find your squid so you could clip a draw on your crib rails and your diaper harnesses were just diapers. Yeah man we’re walkin’ cartoons,but I’d rather just walk up to the spire and climb it. It’s all good climbing whether you gym, boulder, sport, trad, aid or suction-cup…climb on…but respect your elders!!!

                • automanja said:

                  to buy to take huge discount online

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