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The Reign of Time Child

12 August 2009 5,817 views 27 Comments
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For sometime now Mancamp (P and C Headquarters) has been referring to Tommy Caldwell as Time Child. I think Limit started it and no one even knows what it means but it seemed like the right thing to call him. Plus it’s the same initials. We’re sorry Tommy, but we respect you too much to leave you out.

Anyway. We were drinking last night (surprise…) and were reminiscing about some of the things we’ve seen or heard of Time Child do in the past. Enjoy.

One time I saw Time Child punch send the whole SuperCrack buttress in a day when he finished he wanted to climb another route so he punched the wall as hard as he could to create Incredible Hand Crack.

One time I saw Time Child having sex. This isn’t too extraordinary but he was climbing Midnight Lightning at the same time.

One time I saw Time Child take a dump in RMNP. That dump is now Jade.

One time I saw Time Child onsite Vitamin H in Rifle. He didn’t like the route when he finished it so he ripped the whole lower half of the route off the wall.

One time Jesus came back for the rapture but Time Child hadn’t finished his project so he told them to come back later.

One time I saw Time Child spit in Chis Sharma’s matte. He sent Jumbo Love that day.

One time I saw Time Child climb two El Cap routes in less than 24 hours.

Time Child wouldn’t have dropped that girl in Cliff Hanger.

When Time Child cut off his finger the doctors offered to reattach it but he told them to fuck off because it was just dead weight.

When Time Child freed Magic Mushroom on El Cap, El Cap became pregnant.

When Time Child makes his morning smoothie he uses bananas, blueberries, rocks from the moon, a whole puppy, and his secret ingredient, BEEF. He also blends them with his hands.

One time I saw Time Child challenge Peter Parker to a climb off. Time Child won.

Any of you have you’re own sightings? post em up in the comments.

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  • Pat said:

    These are seriously funny, I think the TC reference is from Southpark when the people from the future were calling Cartman TC and Time Child.
    Regardless, keep drinking because the drunken antics are producing GOLD!

    • The John P. said:

      I have been yearning for posts like this! This post reminds me when I saw time child impregnate a man just by staring at him…why haven’t you called Tommy!

      • AB said:

        This would’ve been funnier if it hadn’t been a lame rip off of the Chuck Norris jokes that were once really funny, but jumped the shark a few years ago. It’s pretty easy to follow this formula. To wit:

        One time, I heard Time Child walked by the Man Camp, and the Wig’s baby dick got really hard and then a little white stuff came out and the Wig decided to write a post about it.

        • wig (author) said:

          One time Andrew Bitchalot was a bitchy little magazine editor who thought he was better than everyone else. He gets upset because he’s unhappy with everyone and everything in the world but in the end he still sounds like a whiny little girl crying to mommy because she dropped her ice cream cone.

          • Sara said:

            Yup. You guys have officially cornered the market on irreverent.

            • Andy C said:

              Hahaha. Good stuff.

              • AB said:

                Oh, Wig, don’t be upset. I think you’re a brilliant blogger. Now come over here and give me a hug you sexy little man-peach.

                • Special D said:

                  Wow. P&C: hilarious, AB: Not.

                  • Shane said:

                    Oklahoma used to be flat until Time Child planted his dismembered finger in a wheat field and up came the Wichita Mountain Range

                    • furry said:

                      Time Child doesn’t climb up, he pulls the earth down.

                      • janek said:

                        you American guys are sometimes hard to understand – why are there so many haters and unneccessary controversion among you guys in comments under articles? This is fucking hilarious, I always get a good laugh. Seems like some of you take yourselves a lil too seriously, dont you. What I especially dont understand (and thats the same on the Czech internet) is publishing a comment bitching about the sense of publishing the article first – thats the authors choice buddies (and buddy AB). So stop critizing things that entirely DONT involve anything about you a shut the fuck up. All around the world.

                        • Sam said:

                          shut up AB..your website is a load of narcissistic bullshut

                          • mr T said:

                            Evening sends is horse shit

                            • joe said:

                              AB, you’re a faggot.

                              • Cedar Wright said:

                                I personally saw the virginal time child give birth to modern big wall free climbing…out of his Mangina, while doing one arm pull ups with his mind. He also weaves his own ropes and as we all know poops classic boulder problems.

                                But…here is some stuff you probably didn’t know!!!

                                TC is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. He has been known to remodel train stations on lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. He translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, writes award-winning operas, and always manages time efficiently. Occasionally, he treads water for three days in a row.

                                He woos women with his sensuous and godlike trombone playing, can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. He is an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

                                Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, he once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. He plays bluegrass cello, was scouted by the Mets, and is the subject of numerous documentaries. When he’s bored, he builds large suspension bridges in his yard. He enjoys urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, he repairs electrical appliances free of charge.

                                He’s an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over his original line of corduroy evening wear.

                                Last summer he toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. He bats .400. His deft floral arrangements have earned him fame in international botany circles. Children trust him.

                                He can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy.

                                He once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. He knows the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. He has performed several covert operations for the CIA. He sleeps once a week; when he does sleep, he sleeps in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, he successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to him. Years ago he discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.

                                He has made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. He breeds prizewinning clams. He has won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. He has played Hamlet, performed open-heart surgery, and spoken with Elvis.

                                This whole piece except for the mangina bit was shameless stolen from Jon Atencio at Backountry.com!!! Ha! thanks Jon.

                                • AB said:


                                  • hater said:


                                    In the adult world, one might recognize that the angry comments directed toward you are, in your eloquent magazine-speak, just another way of “giving you shit.”

                                    Or not.

                                    But hey, you’re a powerful magazine editor who is easily offended by anonymous comments on the internet. What do I know?

                                    • AB said:

                                      yeah, sarcasm doesn’t exactly always come through pithy blog comments … mine or theirs, apparently. I forgot to add this to my last post:

                                      “JK! LOL!”

                                      • Sjayne said:

                                        classic. well played.

                                        • mr T said:

                                          AB is such a fucking spraylord it makes me want to kill myself.