You did it! You finally landed a date with that cute boy/girl of your choice. Well it’s not really a date, but you ARE going climbing together. And you’re pretty sure he/she likes you. I mean why else would they go climbing with JUST you. Lucky for you I’ve created a handy little guide for you boys and girls to make sure you make the right moves during your little sexual rock scaling adventure to create just the right mood to get that little biddie or lad of your choice to beLAY you until your heart’s content.

Step 1: Preparation

Guys: You’re gonna want to drive. Not for any other reason but to show you have enough money to pay for gas. This is why I can’t get dates. I can’t pay for gas (or food, or… anything). Also buy a lot of snack foods. You have to paint yourself as a picture of preparedness. On the same token, do not bring a mirror/waterproofmatches/whistle/compass emergency kit combo to a place like Rifle in attempt to look safe and prepared. You’ll just look like an idiot.

Girls: No matter how dilapidated his car might be when he picks you up just grunt and bear it. Remember, he’s doing this for you, so be open to broken down overheating, leaking oil, no air conditioner/heater adventure. It shows you’re easy going. If you can’t belay, don’t let him take you on a rope climbing trip. PLEASE. Go bouldering so he’s not sweating bullets 60 feet off the deck while you short rope, euro slack and load the Grigri backwards. We kick the shit out of our guy friends for that kind of thing don’t make us.

Step 2: Location, Location, Location

Guys: It’s wise to pick a place you’ve been before and even better to pick a place where you have every route wired into complete submission. There are multiple reasons for this. 1. You don’t want to get lost with your new date you’re trying to impress. 2. You don’t want to get shut down on every route you try with your new date your trying to impress. 3. This trip isn’t about about climbing homie, it’s about impressing that new date that you’re trying to…impress. You gotta look hot. I mean look at that raven haired man to the left.  Bonus points if you can find a crag she’ll certainly want to project at so you can lock in that coveted second date…

Girls: He’s going to take you to a place he’s been before in attempts to impress you. Do not let him impress you. Onsight everything on the wall if you can and make him clean each route. He owes you that for driving you to his shitty outside gym wall in his shitty car with his shitty snack foods and shitty gear. If you wear something hot without a doubt there will be a higher chance of him doing things like this for you. If he seems weary shed a shirt or a tank top until he accepts and tends to your every need.

Step 3: The Approach

Guys: Now fellas, if you were smart you would have picked a fairly remote cliff so you can enjoy a wonderful little jaunt into the wilderness. Also you want a remote cliff so you don’t get embarrassed by all the other hard climbers who will undoubtedly be there showing you up and stealing your woman. On the hike, make sure to walk slow enough that you can talk comfortably. Be sure to discuss anything but climbing. I promise she’s not impressed with the 12’s you’ve climbed. She won’t even be impressed by the 13’s you may have climbed. The wisest thing to do is ask questions. Lots of questions. You know that part in 40 year-old Virgin where Seth Rogan tells Steve Carell to only ask questions? Remember how well that worked? Go For it.

Girls: Bring one of these. Make him carry you up the hill to the rocks. blahblahlfdska;fdnsakfd afdksajfkdjsaklf dsakjfdslakjfds aklfjdsklajf dsdjsakfjdksaj  fdjkasljflkdsaj fdsa lkjfds alkj kfl dlasj lkaj lkdj fdjas lkjla kjfld jsalk lkakjd jfdkaj ldja lkfdjs alkjfd laskj ldfkj aljf dlsakj fldkj lfkdja lkjalk jkdj fld kjs aklj lkaj dlkjf dslakj lkajdlkj fdljsa lkj lakj dl jfdlkjjlkd saljkf dsajlk fdsalj fdlaj lak sdf jlkfds alkjfdsal kj fldkjsalkjl ksdjlkfj ldsjalkj aslkjfdlsk ajasdlkjfdddkdkdjfkd;akjfd;jakjdas kfjdlakjdf a fdjklajfdklaj fdlsak fdjalk fdsalk fdska jlkjkfda jkd fkdjfk lkdj dlkj dlkjlskj sldkdjf dlkj

Step 4: The Warm Up

Guys: I told you to pick a crag you had everything wired at. So go ahead and hang the draws on the 13a/b that you did 6 months ago, but try not to dog. That’s not impressive. Make sure to include a joke about how you’re getting beLAYed on your first date. jdslakfjdlsajlkfjdlskajlkfdjslakjlksjdlkfj dlkasj lskjda flkjdsalkj fdslakjlksdjlk fdjsaklj d jfdkjd kdjksaj kja kjd askj ka jlskdj flkdjsa lja lk sdjjl fdjsa lkjas dklj j fdlsaj lkjas dljf dlsja ljasl dkjf dslja kjfdl salkjlskaksdj fjdksa lkjda lkjsd fj fdlsakjlak jdlkj fdjs a fjdklsaj fldksaj lfdja lkdjlkakjd kdlj flkj dlkj dlkjfdl kdjf lkdj fdlj lskj slkd fjldkj slj fdlj lskj ldjf dlkj lksj dlfj lksj dlkj fdlkj dlkfj ldkj fdlskj slkjd flkj sdlj fdslj sldkfj lkj sdlkj slj lskjdf lkjs lfj kjsd fljslkfjds lfj sd

Girls: He’s going to dog up something harder than he can actually climb. When he makes a nervous joke about beLAYing on the first date to fill space while he’s hanging on bolts make sure to make his next fall a long one… jf d adjs aljfd aslkj lkjd fljd kljs lkjslkdj fl fdlksja lakjsd klfj dldjsl ajl ksajdfl kdjsa lkfdlsakj alskdjl kfjd lksajl asdjlkf dlskaj lakjsdl fjdsa jaslkd fkldljas lksjalksd jdsa ljaslkd jfldksja lkasjd lfjsjlalskdjf dlskaj llakjsdl jfds lajlkfjds laljdslaj fldj sal jfdslakj dlsajl lakslkdj flsdajl ksjdfl aslj lsalkj sdaflkj dsalj fdlskaj fdsafj dslakj fldjsa lkfdjsal kjfdslka lkjfkdsj alkfdjs aljfd slakjf dlsakj fldksja ljdskal fdlja fdlkaj fdlsak jfdslaj fdslaj fdslakj fdslakj fdslaj fdslakj fdsalk fdsaljf dsalkjfds alkfjd salk fdsaj

Step 5: The Rest of the Climbing Day

Boys: By now it’s probably obvious how badass of a climber you are, how witty you are, and how prepared and caring you are. During one of your food breaks make mention of how you could “totally murder a crunchy nut brown microbrew brah” and how you’ll even buy her an Appletini for post climbing drinks. Everyone knows women don’t like beer right? Especially good beer brah that’s meant for men.  fdjlsak jfdlksaj lkj alsjd lfkjds alkj lfdkjsa lkjdlsajlk jsdlkj slakj lieai nfdlisalij fdlsai j lifdj saljfd salkja sdlj fdlsaj lias djlfj dsaj fdlkjsa fjdlska jfldksaj fldkjsa lfkdjsa lkfjdsa lkfjdsal jfdslakj fdlskja fldksja lfkdjsal kfdsaj fdlskaj fldksja l

Girls: At some point in the day he’ll want to take you out for after-climbing drinkathon. Take him up on it certainly if just for the free drinks, but be sure to text some of your bigger, harder-climbing boy friends to come hang out just to a) piss off your date b) intimidate him c) watch him squirm. At least try to get some entertainment out of your dismal drunk date. Best case is he becomes too obsessed with how much harder your friends climb and starts ignoring you to talk to them about their projies.  fdljsal kjfdslakj lsakjd lfjd lsakj lfkdjsa ljfdlsa jlksjdl kjfld skjalkj alsjdl fkjdlsaf djsakl fdjslak jfdlskaj fldksja lfdsa

Step 6: The Aftermath

Guys: Went pretty well huh? She had fun. She must have had loads of it because she’s going for drinks with you. Oh wait, why did she invite those guys? Well whatever you’re still buying the drinks that’s got to count for something right? Don’t forget to try to lock down another date with her. Hopefully you found  a crag that cliff that she would want to go back to. She onsighted everything? Tough luck kid. You are now required to do what every man in your situation is supposed to do, and ask her out again. Never Say Die! fjd slkaj fldkjsal kjsdlkj fldjsa lkjfdl sakjlkfjd slakjlfdkjsal kjlaskdj lkfjd slaj lfdkjsal jfld

Girls: Went pretty well huh? He was miserable because you managed to shred every last bit of pride he let burst from his puffed up chest. Good for you. When he asks you out again, your first instinct is going to be a quick “no thanks,” but I would encourage you to go again. Next time you pick the crag, the food, and drive, but make him pay again for everything. I promise he will. Just a whiff of climbing girls will send any testosterone grunt master into a fit of joy. You’re required to do what every woman in your situation is supposed to do, take advantage of our complete lack of awareness and exploit us to the bitter end.

Who knows maybe eventually we’ll wise up and do something right, besides he was kinda cute when you, for your own amusement, made him flake the rope four times in a row because you were “scared of coreshots.”

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Tags: boys, climbing, dating, Girls, love, sabatoge