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The Accessorized Sport Climber

6 May 2009 663 views 6 Comments
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A.K.A. How to fake you’re way through a day of sport climbing. Of course, you need the standard shit like a gri-gri, stick clip, belay chair, knee pad, and a an ipod with a baller playlist. But you knew that. I hope. The rest could take you years to figure out. But don’t worry, cuz I’m here to help.

American Apparel

Sport Climbers are kinda like anti-outdoorsman. This has been true since people started clipping bolts for fun in the 80′s. Think I’m full of shit? Just try to imagine a Field and Stream cover shot featuring a neon spandex clad anorexic man trying to haul in a steelhead. Can’t do it can you? Even today, sport climbers choose form over function. Wicking super-uber-synthhetics are out. Bright, slim cut cotton is in. Actually, a lot of them look like hipsters that were magically plucked off the streets of NYC and set down at the Wailing Wall. While American Apparel may be to mainstream these days for a real hipster, it should do the trick to make you look baller at the crag.

Organic Shit

No, I’m not talking about crash pads. I’m talking about snacks. Sport climbers may be some of the biggest health nut idiots ever to grace gods green earth. When I first started climbing, I brought a snickers bar and a bag of Doritos to the crag. People kept giving me funny looks. At first, I thought it was my mountaineering boots and knickers. I was wrong. It was my ghastly unhealthy choice of snack. It took me years to figure it out, but when I started showing up to the crag with a a bag of organic baby  carrots and maybe some wasabi snack peas (all carried in an organic cotton satchel of course), I started making friends like a blonde 36-24-36.


The amazing power of nicotine to curb hunger craving has been well known since the 20′s (at least according to Thank You For Smoking) and sport climbers have been using this to their advantage for years. In fact, some smoke so much and eat so little, they make Ana Nicole Smith look obese.

Now before you go running after a pack of Marlboros thinking it will make you as cool as Bronco, hold up a sec. Climbers have convinced themselves that hand rolled ciggarettes  are a more healthy alternative to the chemical laden shit that Winston Salem pumps out in perfect little boxes. Smoking a camel is about as bad as taking Doritos to the crag.

Here’s a little secret. Sport climbers and cigarettes are kinda like hipsters and indie music. Obscurity and scarcity have far more value than quality. Ideally, you should be smoking a tobacco that nobody has ever heard of, which can only be purchased in a tiny 10 square foot shop somewhere in buttfuck Tennesee.

Can’t find anything like that? Go to Safeway, by a bag of Drum, put it in a ziplock baggie, and lie like Pinochio. That’s what I do.