Everyone loves Halloween. Parties are happening everywhere, there is an abundance of free candy, and girls dress up in slutty outfits just because they can get away with it. As we get older though, the motivation to dress up seems to wear off a little. We can’t go door to door and get candy from sweet old ladies. We don’t have class Halloween parties to attend anymore. Our parents aren’t buying us our costumes anymore either. With that in mind I’ve come up with a list of climbing costumes anyone can make and wear with little trouble, little money and little sobriety.

1. Rifle

What you need: Orange stocking cap, white shirt, sense of humor, blue markers

Description: Oh my gosh we get the joke and at a climbing party you better hope they do too. Bonus if they don’t though. You’re still a bottle of Elmer’s

2. Verve girl

What you need: 1 Verve Lorelli bra, 1 pair Verve Magico shorts,  overconfidence

Description: Like I said up there, Halloween is a time when girls can wear whatever they want and walk around in public without the scorn and ridicule of all the judging eyes. Actually that’s not true. The sexy nurse, Dracula, Frankenstein will still get judged, but for some reason it’s okay. Anyway. Buy the pieces. Wear them out in a non-climbing situation where all functionality goes straight out the window. Have every male who’s ever seen a rock hit on you. Just remember to make your own drinks as to avoid that Rohypnol stuff.

3. A Climbing Gym

What you need: Some climbing holds, a way to attach them to your body, perverted creativity

Description: This is simple. Get some climbing holds, attach them to your body, get girls/guys to touch you. It’s kinda like being the Twister board. Instead of people saying “Right hand Red!” and either grabbing or pretending to grab your boobs/dick. They’ll be saying “I’m climbing the yellow route!” and actually grabbing a hold shaped like your boobs/dick.

4. Warren Harding

What you need: An attitude, a bottle of wine, some climbing gear

Description: Warren Harding is an icon. If you don’t know who he is then Wikipedia that fool because he’s rad (oh and make sure and Wiki the climber not the president). You just need some ratty clothes, a bottle of wine and a weathered-ass face that says “You wanna drink with me, but there’s no way you’d trusts me with a box of kittens.”

5. Royal Robbins

What you need: Glasses, Royal Robbins clothing, a “Warren Harding”

Description: Sure you can go and try to make a historical look out of this one but I mean he has a whole brand of clothing with his name on it. I say just buy some of that. Then if you’re lucky enough to have a Warren Harding you can both get drunk and bicker about bolts and purity for the rest of the night. This will be good because it’s doubtful anyone at the parties you went to will know who the fuck you are anyway.

6. Alpinetard

What you need: Janglies (that metal stuff climbers carry around), double ropes, Copy of Freedom of the Hills, debilitating social anxiety, sense that you’re better than everyone else

Description: To pull off this costume requires commitment because as we all know that’s what it takes to be a real alpine climber. You have to commit when you think the going gets tough. You suck it up and push for the summit. The summit in this case is to make everyone feel awkward. Start by wearing your alpine suit of tech gear, put a bunch of stuff in your back pack and start wandering around the party breathing heavily. At some point get some ice cubes and melt them for water with a small stove. No matter what when people talk to you or ask you what you are your only response should be “pure.” Even later set up your “tent” and have a restless sleep full of nightmares that make you awkward to hear from outside. Classic the whole way.

7. Cliff Hanger

What you need: Muscles, “Bolt gun”, John Lithgow

Description: Really any Sly character is going to make a good outfit but this one is brilliant! Tank top check, harness check, random looking gun that shoots bolts out of it! MUTHAFUCKIN CHECK!

8. Pro Hoes

What you need: Pro climber, 2+ Verve girls

Description: I’m still not even sure if these even exist yet in our sport like they do in skateboarding or snowboarding. I don’t think they do but they should. All you need is one guy to dress up like his favorite pro climber and get a bunch of girls to put on some revealing outfits and hang all over you all night. It’s like climbing version of dressing as a pimp for Halloween. But like the lady above make sure you get the “pro” to sign your body multiple times throughout the night instead of “chokin’ a bitch.”

9. Huberbaum

What you need: Jeans, Leather pants, overflowing amounts of radness

Description: You’ve seen these two around. They’re brothers, they’re German, they destroy things.  Find a partner, squeeze into those tight pants an let the drinks bring you deeper into a terrible German accent.

10. Stormtrooper

What you need: The outfit

Description: No He doesn’t climb but come on. That’s the coolest costume on the planet.

Tags: halloween, holiday