Sometimes you just can’t send. It doesn’t matter how much you tweak your beta, how hard you try, how often you try, or long you rest. No matter what you do, it just never happens. It is times like these that try climbers souls. In those trying times, try some or all of these hints. They will make you send. I promise.

1. Stop Washing The Dishes

Climbers seem to spend more time fussing over the condition of their skin than a conspiracy theorist researching the melting temperature of  structural steel. We all know that prolonged exposure to water makes you skin prune and get softer than a 12 year olds dick. I mean, do you really think that the skin in FIGURE 1 is going to be crimping very much? NO. Climbers know this, yet this keep washing their dishes. It’s like they want something to bitch about at the crag. QUIT WASHING YOUR DISHES. Seriously. Unless you like crying like a little bitch on your project. And while your at it, quit washing your hands. Swine flu be damned!

2. Make someone else flake your rope

Redpointing hard routes is kind of a paradox. It’s only possible if you’re an extremely fit well honed baddass with a firm grip on your psyche–like Bruce Lee. On the other hand, you have to spend a lot of time doing really ghey, unmanly things like filing microscopic burrs off your fingertips  and walking around with your hands in the air shaking them to make the lactic acid drain faster between burns. Making some else flake your rope falls in the second category. This trick is especially important if your rope is already hanging on a route that has tons of rope drag. Despite what your climbing partners will try to convince you, pulling and flaking that rope is NOT an effective way to warm up. All that unnecessary effort is just an effect way to NOT SEND.

3. Cut Your hair

A lot easier than starving yourself for 10 days on the master cleanse, cutting off  your long hair can shave POUNDS instantly and effortlessly. This tip is especially germane if you’re a dreaded trustafarian  hippy with a colony of miniature reptilians taking root in that greasy crinite nest you call hair.

4. The Pre-Climb Ritual

Eat three Skittles. Swish mouth with water. Close eyes and sing JayZ’s Lucifer to yourself. Put your harness on. Tie in. Put you kneepads on. Put you shoes on. Make five LOUD breathing sounds. Sun Salutation. Sip of Kombucha. Take everything off and go pee. Rinse. Repeat. SEND.

Do this religiously and your chi will be channeled (somewhere), your arms will drain lactic acid faster than you ever though possible, and you will NEVER forget beta.

5. Deny Sexual Gratification

I saw this in a boxing movie. According to Hollywood, if you haven’t orgasmed in the last two weeks, you will try much, much harder. I agree with this. I also have the best 8a scorecard at pimpinandcrimpin. You can guess what that means.

Tags: chastity belt, tips, wicans