Finally some horoscopes you can trust. P&C resident Swami accurately interprets your climbing future.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

Get your shit together before it gets too cold.  Your project isn’t going to send itself no matter how many times you cry between the 3rd and 4th pieces of gear because you’re “run-out.” Be a (wo)Man. Stop being a bitch. Send before we start hearing the excuse that it’s too cold. Mars hates your whining.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

You’re in a time where you need to relax. Take that cutie climbing that might not quite be very good at climbing above 5.7′s. It might be worth it if you’re in what we like to politely call a “drought.” I know, I know you’re getting all you need… the stars see right through your lies. Try improving your sex life instead of your unsavable 8a scorecard.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

There’s a time and a place for your spray hose of hate. Do everyone a favor for a while and shut the fuck up. The moon’s position is making your meek achievements look like something from Vertical Limit anyway (improbable and perhaps untrue). Let your actions speak instead of your snot nosed, sunburned hippie face. You’ll  never be climbing as boldly as Alex Honnold anyway so you might as stop talking.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

It’s time for you to get out of the country. Winter is cold. No one likes that. take some friends and go to Mallorca or something. You always wanted to go try DWS. Might as well make it happen. It might be because Aquarius sounds like water. Or it could be that my crystal ball is telling me truth. Either way. Go out there! the worst that could happen is you get stung by a jelly fish and then drown! Try to enjoy it though.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

The stars say two things: Just quit.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

The desert looks good for you this month. Besides bouldering never REALLY was your thing. And sure you don’t own the gear for I.C. and don’t quite have the gusto for stuff at Zion, but don’t let that stop you! You’ve redpointed a 12a dammit! You can do anything you want! No one wants to go? Fuck it! you’ll find a partner when you get there. You’re charming (dickhole) attitude and pleasent (annoying) deameaner will certainly land you a ride so you can “totally onsight”  Supercrack, Coyne Crack and Scarface.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Take full advantage of the gym for the rest of this month. There are sexy boys and girls in small amounts of clothing and you can boulder your little heart out! So get sauced and pull some plastic! You’re lucky numbers this week are 3.5 and 4 spots. I also see blue tape with red stripes. Take your chalk brush.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

You’re a dominent person. Don’t take no shit from nobody. So that climber that snuck the FA of your super project? Screw em. Go flatten the bolts on their project a la poopy pants Adam Taylor. It’s your right isn’t it? Oh wait. No it’s not. Cowboy up and quit being a total idiot.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

Do not go soloing tomorrow or the next day. Really. Don’t do it. When bodies hit the ground from anwhere above 10 feet it doesn’t end pleasently. Besides you have such a pretty face. It’d be shame…

Leo (July 23-August 22)

You SHOULD go soloing. I know I know I’ve always hated you and once tried to sleep with your girlfriend and mother at the same time, but this isn’t me talking. It’s totally the allignment of the planets. Pick the one route you’ve always fallen on and just do unroped. You’ll send. I promise…

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

I’d reccomend you learn some advanced aid techniques and STAT. There is some haziness in the secret crystal climbing ball but it’s looking like pretty unfortunate for your next big vertical expedition.

Libra (September 23-October 23)
You are perfect in every single way. People wish they could be like you. People wish they could climb as effortlessly as you do. You’re charming handsome and generally people really really like you. You could change the world if you just cared a little bit. Luckily for you it doesn’t matter since your life is absolutely perfect.

Famous libras include: Barbara Walter, Meatloaf, Ashlee Simpson, Wig, Will Smith, Gwyneth Paltrow

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Tags: bullshit, destiny, horoscopes, vertical