What your harness says about you
posted by wig
I saw something like this about facial hair on another site and thought it was just too obvious to adapt to climbing. Harnesses say a lot about a person. Just look and learn.
FLORESCENT PETZL
What you think this says about you: I’m a young hot sport climber. I climb so hard I might be sponsored if I’m not I’m certainly going to be. I’m a person you probably want to meet. I’m fun and love wearing the latest fashunz.
What it really says about you: a) I’m kind of a douche b) I’m poor and I got this for free from my sponsored friend. c) I am a pro climber and you should fucking know who I am.
Quote you might hear from this climber: “IMA PROFESSIONAL! JJJYYYEEEAHHHH!!!”
Most frequented crags: Rifle, Red River Gorge, Ceuse, Southern Utah, The Boulder Rock Club
Good for: Pro climbers, wannabe pro climbers, friends of pro climbers, looking like an ass
METOLIUS SAFE TECH
What you think this says about you: I don’t mind dropping a little extra cash for my safety. You can trust me when climbing because obviously I value a day of climbing the leaves my partner and me injury free.
What it really says about you: I might tie in through my leg loop because I’m an idiot. Luckily, this harness will save me from myself.
Quote you might hear from this climber: “No for real I could tie into my haul loop, factor two fall, and still be alright. This thing is awesome.”
Most frequented crags: Indian Creek, That place in Minnesota where people only toprope
Good for: Idiots, climbing under the influence
BLACK DIAMOND FANCY NEW THING
What you think this says about you: I value comfort and reliability. Climbing is one of my favorite things so I like to have nice things when I do it.
What it really says about you: I have a better harness than you therefore I am a better climber than you.
Quote you might hear from this climber: “Yeah for sure bro. I’ll catch you on my warm-up, but then can I get a belay on my proj in the Arsenal and then a cool down lap on Spray-a-thon?”
Most frequented crags: Rifle, Eldo (Rincon Wall)
Good for: Trying to look badass, projecting, rich kids
ADJUSTABLE LEG LOOPS
What you think this says about you: I am a rock climber and that is insatiably cool. Respect me.
What it really says about you: I use an ATC and don’t quite know what a “soft” catch is yet. I thought I’m supposed to make the fall as short as possible.
Quote you might hear from this climber: “I climbed an 11d/12a. I did it on toprope, but I mean it was really hard. Like really hard. I didn’t fall and there was slack in the rope the WHOLE way.”
Most frequented crags: Fucking everywhere. Kill me.
Good for: College kids, Gumbies, gym climbers, people with fat legs, people with big pants
ALPINE BOD
What you think this says about you: I LOVE rock climbing! And being outside. I am also into Sport Rappelling!
What it really says about you: I have no idea what rock climbing is and I obviously don’t care. Aussie style to the MAXXXIMUM!
Quote you might hear from this climber: “UP ROPE!!! GEEZE!”
Most frequented crags: Anywhere top roping is easily accessible, gyms
Good for: Gumbies who don’t know any better, the forever single
EXTRA BELAY LOOP/CORD
What you think this says about you: I am safe. Very safe. It’s just a backup.
What it really says about you: I’m worried this 50kN belay loop could break and I’ll have this tiny cord to catch me when it does.
Quote you might hear from this climber: “I took eight prozac this morning… it’s still not working…”
Most frequented crags: Easy multipitch belay/rappel stations,
Good for: the nervous, the neurotic, the anxious
DAISYCHAIN THONG
What you think this says about you: Of course I’m a lead climber. I lead climb like a pro because I know how to clean anchors with this thing.
What it really says about you: a) I wear white brief underwear with racecars. b) I’m a virgin. c) As you can see I have a chalkbag on a biner. d) my nalgene has climbing stickers and is also attached to my backpack with a biner.
Quote you might hear from this climber: “Dude, I totally got these shoes on pro deal. I could probably get you some. Pretty rad huh?
Most frequented crags: The New River Gorge, Horseshoe Canyon Ranch
Good for: No one.
SWAMI BELT
What you think this says about you: I’m a fucking badass.
What it really says about you: I’m a fucking badass.
Quote you might hear from this climber: “I’m a fucking badass.
Most frequented crag: The Gunks, the Needles, fucking badass crags
Good for: Henry Barber, other mustachioed fucking badasses
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last one owns.
i still climb in a mt. aspiring alpine-bod style harness. it has one large attachment point that used to say in bold letters “attach rope here.”
it is perfect for flashing peoples projects before telling them such projecte is stupid and they should come bouldering.
in the event that their project is no so flashed, it is perfect for saying “wow. i’ve never climbed before. this is kinda cool” and scurrying away before it is realized that you are lame.
the last one is fucking awesome haha
you guys are my heroes. this is truly the standard by which all climbing blogs should be measured.
Nice. Glad I don’t own any of those . . .
Hmmmmm
What if one owns, and actually uses, ALL of those harnesses (I’m counting my safe tech in two categories), sans BOD—I’m not that stunted— and in the past used a belay loop back up…
i’m the first one, yeah! here’s to the douche bags!
if you can’t get your neon green featherweight petzl harness from one of your sponsored friends let me know and i can get it for you on prodeal.
Love the quote on the first one
[...] & Crimpin’ helps you interpret what your partner’s harness says about [...]
The only misinformation in this rundown is that the Gunks is a badass climbing area.
my legs aren’t fat!
My legs are fat. Help me.
How cool is this article! can’t stop laughing!
[...] Pimpin & Cimpin has yet another brilliant post about what your harness says about you. [...]
Awesome, one of your best yet, wig. Particularly the safe tech, so true – why would you need full strength gear loops unless you’re a jackass who’s going to tie into his gear loops?
Haha! Douchebag harness for sure, and I def. recall saying to myself the first time I put the harness on, “IMA PROFESSIONAL JJJJJYYAAAAAHHHHHH!” *sigh* I’m a douche
According to this, your a douchebag unless you wear a swami belt.
Laughing SO hard!
That’s right sam… way to catch on… you get a A for effort and a P for pointing out the obvious.
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