Everyone has nights out that leave you broken, tired and more or less hungover the next day. I believe the term is overconsumption, and my dad calls it “overachieving.” I, however do not prefer such negative terms. I prefer words like “awesome” and “dude, this is awesome.” Then again in the morning it seems like I forget how much “fun” the night before was. In any instance, when you wake up you’re throats scratchy from screaming at each other in the bar and smoking too many cigarettes, and you’re head throbs and makes you feel like you could throw up any second and never stop, you HARDLY want to take your ass out to the crag to do some sending.

The real problem about this scenario is not that it happens too often or that it sort of ruins your morning and maybe even your evening. It’s that it typically happens on a Friday or Saturday which as you very well understand are the nights before big weekend climbing days. This tends to ruin any chances of hard climbing unless your name is Limit and can push your body to the upper stratosphere of the deadly hangover realm. I have witnessed this. A lady at the crag became pregnant and gave birth in the 9 minutes it took him to onsight this thing at Shelf while me and Bronco flailed helplessly on something I’m certain was far easier.

We all know though, that you can’t just NOT climb. That’s rule number 3 in section 8 of the official P&C handbook. So you head out only to find you can’t pull down to save your life. SO WHAT, YOU’RE WEAK. When this occurs it’s officially time to declare an easy day to save all face and avoid making troublesome excuses to your friends later about suckingbigtime.

I recommend everyone learn vital ways to magically morph climbing days into easy days. It’s especially important that all climbers be on the same schedule when embarking on easy days. If you have a few wanting to crush and the other few unable to do so you become instant fodder for their insults which according to section 15 article 4, they are required to dish as much shit as possible when faced with crusher to chuffer ratios equal to or more than 2:1. Basically, if more than half the group is crushing that day, you are without excuse. you little bitch.

This means it’s up to you to convince those who did not have the fantastic night that you did that climbing moderates may be a good idea.

This can be achieved in a few ways. Some more creative than others. Some downright pathetic. And yet still others that stealthily and effectively eliminate the need for anyone to climb hard.

1. Belay, bitch. Belay.

It is unlikely anyone will make fun of the person that belays them all.fucking.day. When I say All Day I mean all day in it’s entirety. If you are going to be a little girl then put on your little dress and belay like the little bitch you are. For everyone. Until they are done.

2. Chunder

I haven’t used this one ye because it takes someone far more special than me to pull it off correctly. When one of your compatriots begins to goad you a bit about your inability or lack of motivation bend over a little bit and literally throw up on their shoes. This will without a doubt leave them a) speechless b) confused. When you come up wipe your mouth and say something like, “What were you saying?”Instant relief.

3. Beer Me Bro!

Bring some beer to the crag! Nothing says climb some easy shit like getting drunk underneath some cliff in the mountains. If there’s beer in the vicinity it’s likely no one will think twice about what you’re climbing and why. Especially if you’re the one that bought it.

4. Dude, Where’s my Shoes?

Dude. Really. Just leave your shoes at home “on accident.” I mean what are they going to expect you to do when you can’t pimp that little crimp and smear that little footer with your size 4 ultra down-turned moonboots brah. Of course you can’t send. Do them in YOUR floppy little Testarosas? Yeah right, suck one…

5. Never Ending Story

Everyone is going to warm up a bit when they get to the crag. Take this time to move slow and climb some easy stuff. When they are about ready to move onto some harder things tell your friends your shoulder is a bit tweaked and you’d like to stretch it out some more. No harm no fowl there. Your partners would never want you injured of course! After warming up again, find another person in your fold and do it again. Continue this warm up practice as long as you possibly can. If you’re talented enough, you can do this all day without raising any suspicions, but you have to try hard.

Good luck out there. If all this fails. Cowboy up. And friends, if you find a whiner in your crew. Harass them until they cry.

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Tags: Awesome, climbing, drinking, drunk, hungover