Survival Guide: When you’re stuck in a city and no rocks to climb.

posted by bronco

The only real options for surviving this epic situation: 1. Whiskey (LOTS!!!) and/or 2. .45 caliber pistol. You may need the first to gain the courage for the second. What is a rock climber to do when he/she is trapped in a line from that one CREED song “my own prison”? Whatever, how you get yourself into the mess is not the issue, you’re there! So, what do you do about it? Below is a short list of the top ten things that may be useful to someone in the above situation.

Here’s some stuff you can do to maximize your time while trapped away from beloved rocks and other stuff to climb on.
1. Play a little game I like to call “The Littlest Winner”. Here’s how you play this one player game, so fuch mucking fun!
• Divide your time in half where ever you’re going to be. So, if you’re there for 4 weeks, take two weeks and see how much food you can realistically eat. How much weight can you gain in the first two weeks? I gained 10lbs. Then take the next two weeks and see if you can lose it by depriving yourself of homemade/deep fried/butter dripping/ultra sugary/awesome food that literally calls to you in your sleep. For extra points walk into the pantry where this food is stored and turn the light on, but don’t touch a thing. Just stand there. I have 2lbs to go! Bonus Lightning Speed round: if you lose more than you gained, you have 24 hours to gain the lost weight back.
2. Facebook so much you know what all 890 friends statusususus’ssss are. Try and come up with the quippiest saying for your own status. Oh man, so much fun!!!
3. Drink so much coffee that your heart feels like its going to explode.
4. Onsight every route at the local rock gym except that one freaking thing that’s chiseled and only like 3 people have done it and shit. Damn.
5. Go to your local gym, Climb 11,000 feet in a day!
6. Go Clandestine! This game makes me feel like Jason fucking Bourne. Here’s what you do: Go study at your alma mater and wear a hood and cap so no one recognizes you. Secret Agent Shit and shit.
7. Start writing like 2 books.
8. Neglect studying because you have really important things to do like…writing 2 books, duh.
9. Plan no less than 3 climbing trips, you deserve it!
10. Write for your website when you should be studying.

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About The Author: bronco

Golden, CO
Age:29

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Friday, February 13th, 2009 Main

7 Comments to Survival Guide: When you’re stuck in a city and no rocks to climb.

i don’t have a .45 but i have a .40, will that work?

randall pink on February 13th, 2009
See: my life.
Glad to hear you’re handling the city so well and looking forward to the bar. Btw, if you pass I have an interesting prospect for you involving summer pro bono funding, forming a non profit shell, and you being a supervising lawyer…

furry on February 13th, 2009
5/100ths is about the thickness of your nail….so no.

Tomb on February 13th, 2009
that guide sucks.

J V on February 14th, 2009
Put the pistol down! Don’t worry, even when you pass the bar, they still can’t MAKE you be a lawyer! That was somewhere in Con. Law, I think. I know, that still leaves you here in “the City” but that’s not terminal, either. Tricky crux though.

leinosaur on February 15th, 2009
Actually, the loan companies pretty much *make* you be a lawyer. See Contracts:Fraud.

J V on February 15th, 2009
See “deferment for impecunious laggards,” also the classic “blood from a turnip” defense. Loan companies can’t make you do shit. They can jack up your loan and screw your credit but indentured servitude is truly a thing of the past.

Fraud is inapplicable unless you didn’t intend to pay ‘em back when you signed for ‘em. Granted, the easiest way to pay it back would be to do some hard time at one of the bigger firms . . . or you could invent some crazy-ass iPhone app.

Or, fake your own death. Now THAT’s a fraud!

leinosaur on February 16th, 2009