Home » Featured, Main

America! BAWSE.

3 July 2009 6,016 views 27 Comments
posted by wig

You know it. I know it. American climbing. It’s awesome. Well… I haven’t exactly climbed out the country yet so I’m not sure if I’m an expert on that, but since ignorance occasionally seems to be another tenant of ‘Murkan culture I’m gonna run with it. In honor of Independence Day I’ve decided that we need some good old fashioned Americana in this post. So crack open a freedom bomb, read up, and enjoy the rest of the holiday by getting blasted and shooting something with fireworks. I mean just look at Tommy Caldwell on the left that’s as American as you can get! He’s like a patriotic nine fingered ninja climbing robot. The cover even says LAND OF THE FREE! SHIT! Anyway I decided to make a list. Since we have 50 states I’m writing/compiling the 50 (because 50 is obviously the most patriotic number) things that are good about climbing in the Land Bruce Springsteen (literally the boss…) sings about.

50 Awesome Things About Climbing and America

1. Girls in Verve shorts.

2. Fixed Draws

3. COMMUNITY! Never separate climbing and community! Reach out to other climbers! (LifeAndClimbs via Twitter)

4. Avery beer challenges! (Colette McInerney)

5. Mexican food in yo FACE!!! Technology that is IMPERIAL!!! We bang Three 6 Mafia at the CLIFF!!! BAWSE! (Joe Kinder)

6. You can make fun of little teenagers that say allez when they climb.

7. Wal-mart Super Centers on climbing trips (Emily Harrington)

8. Climbing with wristbands, tank tops, jeans and an iPod boombox at the base. (Sam Elias)

9. Lauren Lee.

10. BBQ’s on top of things like Castleton

11. Whiskey Wednesdays at the DOWNER!

12. The interesting non-climbers who own the climber campgrounds: Mike Shultz/HP40, Miguel/Red River Gorge, Roger/New River Gorge etc. (lacquement via twitter)

13. Our dude did 5.15a and b FIRST. JUST LIKE THE MOON BITCH! WE FIRST!

14. Cliffhanger, Eiger Sanction, Vertical Limit…

15. John Long’s Anchors.

16. We are naturally good at rodeo clips because we actually have… rodeos.

17. ads like THIS.

18. Amercia’s Next Top Model used CLIMBING as a photo shoot. BECAUSE IT’S BAWLER.

19. Options. Sandstone, splitters, towers, granite, bouldering, big walls, buildings, roadside craggin, limestone, all without need for a passport. (Jer Collins)

20. Can I text you an answer? I have to go get some bourbon (Wade David)

21. Utah

22. Rocky Mountain National Park (Spot Gym via facebook)

23. El Pasito burritos in Hueco (Sarah Orens)

24.  Watching redneck wanna-be’s unknowingly almost kill each other on bumbly routes (Misty Murphy)

25. Our climbing videos are unparalleled.

26. Magically we can support 5 major climbing magazines…

27. American blow cannot be further from the French blow.

28. We got hard scary trad that Euros don’t do

29. Coffee. By the acre.

30. 2 words. Stone Newdz

31. It’s something the whole family can do and does do (Luke Laeser)

32. Because I don’t have to. (Val-o-rie our sometime graphic designer)

33. Akon. (Paige Claassen)

34. acquiring  climbing shoes for free really isn’t THAT hard.

35. Aliens. SHIT yes.

36. Joe Brooks and Timy Fairfield, what would America’s premiere sport climbing crags be without their artistry?

37. Our chossy limestone we somehow get Euros to visit.

38. We know how to dirtbag. Without shame.

39. The only country where being a homeless, jobless, unwashed dirtbag who freeloads off his attractive, employed, educated girlfriend who climbs V9 is something to aspire to

40. Nachos, hot-dogs and chicken wings are crag food. click.

41. Drive up, belay from a chair in your trucks bed crags like Rifle.

42. Coors Original Brewed in the Rockies. down the street. In my hand right his second actually.

43. Which is why this list is taking a turn for the worst beuase this is my fifth.

44. We got this thing called El Cap. We also got this thing called Lil’ Wayne and this other thing called Rick Ross.

45. That Osbourne kid tried to climb and looked lame.

46. Hemingway repped for us, “There are only 3 real sports: bull-fighting, car racing and mountain climbing. All the others are mere games.”

47. CCGOTW duh.

48. Alcohol is a very large part of our climbing culture.

49. Climbing clothing is actually getting cooler…


Alright guys. This is lame but I don’t care because I’m leaving for the weekend. I’m leaving the last one open for comments. Winner gets a free t-shirt. Can you handle it!?

Tags: , ,


  • Jeff
    Jeff said:

    The Bishop boulders! and all the potential we still keep uncovering everyday across the U.S. UhMerikah, fuck yeah!

    • sexy sadie
      sexy sadie said:

      Only someone who’s never left Colorado would think Coors Beer is anything but watered-down urine.

      • Steve
        Steve said:

        Erm, you only mentioned Lauren Lee once.

        • Jeroen
          Jeroen said:

          A little bit sad that a dutch guy like me has to point out the best thing about American climbing, but what the hell.


          There you go bitches,
          thats American climbing conquering the world, just like you rednecks like it.

          ps: I’m spending this hot summer day working at a typical duth climbing area, an empty fuckin gym, goddamn american climbing is good.

          • Juan de los Muertos
            Juan de los Muertos said:

            Coffee in the USA SUCKS BIG TIME!!! #29 is a LIE!!

            • Danko Banana
              Danko Banana said:

              n.13 ha? fred rouhling isn’t from USA :)

              • Adam
                Adam said:

                The daisy chain thong, hello?

                • greg
                  greg said:

                  39 is with a doubt my dream hahaha! was dan osman from America cuz he should make the list!

                  • Smelly
                    Smelly said:

                    OKLAHOMA!! BITCHES!!!!!

                    • Sean
                      Sean said:

                      We speak American.

                      • mydogscout
                        mydogscout said:

                        Smelly gets a tee!

                        • Smelly
                          Smelly said:

                          I get a Tee!?!?! Give it to me wig it’s about time I get one. IDWIFWCUZIMAPROFESSIONAL

                          • BinerBoy
                            BinerBoy said:

                            America has the best of all climbing; from boulering, trad, sport, and even ice. America Rocks, Beechez!!!

                            • DPM
                              DPM said:

                              Gillette because only an American Company would have the balls to do this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1TiJNewpCnY

                              • Goose
                                Goose said:

                                John Bachar RIP should not be left of this most awesome of lists.

                                • allison
                                  allison said:

                                  impressive shlist. #7′s about to become my lift – yes!

                                  • Vince
                                    Vince said:

                                    only in America do you find understated, under the radar world class durty south crags full of amazing hardmen and women quietly doing their thing while Choss-orado ;) bros and bettys spray about their dope, exploited and overexposed climbing in all 5 of our climbing mags…..

                                    • Jimmy
                                      Jimmy said:

                                      We say Fuck……a lot.
                                      *Any “equivalent” in another language sounds sally.

                                      • ___ is More
                                        ___ is More said:

                                        The following link represents everything that is good about ‘merica.


                                        • Mighty
                                          Mighty said:

                                          double dyno at “hobbit roof” – joshua tree, ski @ big bear and surf @ huntington beach all in the same day.. Beat that E!

                                          • ron ray
                                            ron ray said:

                                            Lynn Hill. Tommy Caldwell. oh, and climbing at The Beach at Corona Del Mar.

                                            • jc
                                              jc said:

                                              john bachar and micheal reardon. r.i.p.

                                              • Ed
                                                Ed said:

                                                This is the dumbest fuckin list I’ve ever read. Are you retarded? No, just a sport climber…

                                                • Stoaform
                                                  Stoaform said:

                                                  Unlike our colonial ancestors, we don’t inflate our egos by calling our easy routes “Hard Severe.”

                                                  • LateNate
                                                    LateNate said:

                                                    Horse Shoe Canyon Ranch. Shoot guns, ride horses and climb sport, trad, and even boulder.

                                                    • humble pie?
                                                      humble pie? said:

                                                      because when you cross other borders without a passport, you get shot or deported. when you cross our borders without a passport, you get a social security number and healthcare.

                                                      • Dunks
                                                        Dunks said:

                                                        no. 28 eh-urrrrhhhh the UK is in Europe and we got quite a bit of scary trad, chin-up lads! and the continentals have the alps……..

                                                      Leave your response!

                                                      Add your comment below, or trackback from your own site. You can also subscribe to these comments via RSS.

                                                      Be nice. Keep it clean. Stay on topic. No spam.

                                                      You can use these tags:

                                                      This is a Gravatar-enabled weblog. To get your own globally-recognized-avatar, please register at Gravatar.