Top Five Climber Jobs For 2009

posted by limit

In a normal economy, dirtbag climbers tend to have pretty predictable kinds of jobs. They work construction, they serve coffee, they cut trees, they wash windows. Unfortunately, all of these sectors have been hit hard by the recession, forcing many climbers to go from “poor” to “fourth world country poor.” Fortunately, the P&C staff has been sifting through data and conducting countless hours of research to unearth job markets which are both still robust and cater towards the natural strengths of a climber.

1. Porn Star

Rumor has it that some of the boulder elite already capitalized on this a few years ago and honestly, I can’t think of a good reason not to do this. In fact, I think climbers are especially suited to the job: they have fit, toned bodies, abs to die for, are generally pretty tan, and are really really good at grunting and moaning five times louder than is necessary. The only hitch for a lot of you climbing dudes out there is that you have really small penises(why else would there be so much weenie waving on Fortunately, there is a cure.

2. Professional Blogger

There are only two requirements to being a blogger. (1) you must have way, way too much free time. If you’re out of a job, you already have that one down. (2) have way too much to say about things that are unbelievably inconsequential. If you can argue for three hours about whether or not Simply Read is 13d or 14a, even though you only climb 11b on TR, then you’re a shoe in.

Oh wait, you can’t actually make money doing this.

3. Trustafarian


4. Pirate

Although most sectors of the job market are in serious trouble right now, the Pirate sector is experiencing growth unprecedented since the Tripolitan War. I mean, you may as well jump in while the fire is hot, right? You might not get to climb actual rocks much, but you will get to climb other shit–masts, poop decks, merchant ships and rope ladders (ever seen a Bachar ladder?). Oh, and there’s a lot of bling involved!

5. Unemployment

Oh wait, you’re a climber. You are probably already doing this. If you’ve been thinking about making this career move for a while, but haven’t figured out how to get your foot in the door, let me offer you some advice.

Print the image to the left on a business card. Start sending it to friends, with a date written on it. Quit your job if you havn’t already been laid off. Show up on their couch on that date, before they get home from work. Be sure you have a well rehersed sab story. If your friends are not all english speakers, you might put this on the back of the card. Try to time the dates so that just when the first person is getting sick of you, it’s time to move on to the next victim.

Tags: couch surfing, economy, pg porn, pirates

Tuesday, April 14th, 2009 Main

10 Comments to Top Five Climber Jobs For 2009

  1. steve


    steve on April 14th, 2009
  2. andrew bisharat

    You forgot the job of belaying [insert some really good, famous climber who is well-sponsored and can pay for you to do everything, including going on trips to kalymnos, as long as you give a soft catch and a hard pump in the bed]

    That’s the job I want.

    andrew bisharat on April 14th, 2009
  3. furry

    #4 is sweet until you catch the business end of a 5.56mm full metal jacket in the temple, as per recent events.
    But just don’t mess with A-mur-rick-a and you’ll be fine.

    furry on April 15th, 2009
  4. Caleb

    What’s a “sab” story” ;)

    Caleb on April 15th, 2009
  5. Sickler

    I like number three. You get to protest every idea that is considerably to the right of what you believe, smell terrible, look even worse, and then drive off in a Land Rover. Bitching, bad hygiene, and nice cars = winning combo.

    Sickler on April 15th, 2009
  6. furry

    True, Sick. And all the while you are happy lambasting conservatism, so long as your views don’t actually win and force you to give up your trust fund and actually work for a living.

    furry on April 15th, 2009
  7. sexy sadie

    isn’t the most popular climber job making bouldering videos? why else are there like 2 million of them?

    oh wait you said CLIMBER jobs

    sexy sadie on April 15th, 2009
  8. Evan Ramsey

    It’s a full time job lusting over Lisa Rands naked on a portaledge. Shikadang.

    Evan Ramsey on April 15th, 2009
  9. player

    Yu can make money being a porn star? Shit, I’ve been getting screwed!

    player on April 16th, 2009
  10. Orodreth

    lol this is great!

    Orodreth on April 25th, 2009

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